site is beautiful
I too know what it's like to lose a child.
My son Joshua died at age 17 from a seizure disorder
and heart problems. He died in his sleep
early Sunday Morning, December 31, 1995. He
was my life and it's taken a while to figure out
what to do next. I miss him so much.
Thank you for allowing me to visit your site.
Thank you, Beverly, for writing to me and
sharing your loss.... (our losses were just months
a long time, I
kept thinking that life would "return to
normal" - and then I realized that life never
does reflect anything so obscure as normal - and
actually, after Erics' death, I
seemed to establish some involuntary "road
sign" which divided everything thereafter into
"before and after"....
That's how different it all is now... forever
divided by that abrupt change in all things....
I'm glad that your son died so peacefully.
I will forever be grateful that there were
others in the car who were able to assure me that
there was not even time for one word between that
encounter and impact.
no time at all between having a great time
with your friends on a simple ride to town and back
to the dorm, and
his new eternal life.
In the blink of an eye!
a child who has a terminal condition must be so
tragic - knowing that the parting is coming and
wondering with each dawn, if it will be their
is does also give the opportunity to make sure you
say and do all you wish with each other
have pondered that and never could decide
which I would choose if I had been given the
For to live each moment to the fullest
without the shadows cast by such a condition - has
much in its' favor as the one option....
to have done a few things more,
knowing time was short - also has much in
Glad that God made "the call" on
that one for me!
Regardless of the pain - we certainly have
much to be grateful for in thinking on the joy and
love we shared and experienced together with our
if they had never been given to us for any time at
So grief yields to the joy and treasures of
memories - does it not?
That is the healing and strength which comes
of loving and being loved well!
Thank you again for writing to me and
because I'm His, with love, hugs and prayer, Nina
<>< ><> ><>
just want to say, "I appreciate the works
of this website.
It is absolutely beautiful
~ Louisville, Kentucky
Thank you, Sharon, for writing to me and
sharing your appreciation and being inspired
by your visit.
Yours because I'm His,
with love, hugs and prayer from your
<>< ><> ><>
bless you for putting this website up for
everyone, especially those who are trying to come to
terms with the loss of a loved one through suicide.
We read endlessly, trying to make sense of something
that only makes sense to the person who is gone from
us. And although Eric wrote his feelings -
most people don't - not even a goodbye, there is
still a feeling that there must be more to
know. Why this seemingly unending
search, I don't know, but I know we do it. I
lost my husband Peter, in Aug. 2003, and I know that
what Eric felt is surely what my husband felt.
Even though I know in my head that life had become
unbearable for him, my heart says please come back -
I love you so - but he made a decision and I must
honor that decision because he would have wanted me
to. And I cannot do him a disservice by
tramping on his memory. His
memorial site is quite beautiful if you have the
time to look at it - the address is as follows:
forgive the long delay in responding to your e-mail.
When the anniversary of Erics' death comes around
(we call it his "Eternal life birthday" -
April 1, 1996), I get rather melancholy and
kind of let myself let things slide a bit as I
remember those last days and events which we so
enjoyed without knowing that they would be the last.
How glad I am that we were the type to cherish each
day and experience as a last one... Still
though, it is achingly painful....
Then the holidays immediately afterward are also
difficult. I'd thought that would pass,
but it doesn't.... So Easter and Mothers' day
as well as April 1st kind of slow me down from my
usual tempo. Fortunately, it is
also at the time of all the perennials coming out
around the yard and rock gardens and I also lose
myself in them and get a renewed sense of how
precious life is even though it isn't
"complete" for me anymore without him.
I know that you feel that way without Peter also.
tried to leave a message for you in the
guestbook of your website - but didn't know that
there was a space limitation, for it was cut
short, so I'm including the whole
message here for you: It
is so sad to read of suicide survivors and identify
with the desire for escaping the pain of
circumstances in which we feel helpless and
agonizing. I first attempted suicide when I
was 12. By the time I reached 50, I
became compulsively suicidal and was hospitalized
three times in the Spring and Summer of 1993. The
last hospitalization lasted a month and while there
and in the most excellent program "NEW
LIFE", I finally came out of the delusion of
helplessness and victimization.
Regardless of circumstances, WE have the
ultimate power, and keys to live and make
choices by will. How glad I am that I
never did succeed in the attempts (though I came
terribly close to it).... leaving my friends and
family to suffer in the aftermath of such a choice.
I read and feel the pain of survivors such as you
and I wish that I could hug you all and tell you
that I care and that I do truly understand what your
loved one did.... and in a way, I do...
but even when I was on the brink, I didn't
want to leave such a legacy of pain - but the pain I
was in was greater than any other feeling I could
perceive.... like having a sound be so loud
that it drowns out all others.... So all I can say
here is that I am glad that you are joining together
and sharing what only you can fully know... I hope
that healing will come as you reach out to others to
strengthen and comfort them. I know that
you already know that most everyone has come to that
place of wanting to escape - how sad that not all
have found the help and healing that I found in
1993. There are even fewer places and
programs now than back then! It seems that
medication is the "cure" which all offer
now - and that is only a temporary success,
not a cure at all - and, in fact,
medications can actually free the sufferer from what
little inhibition they have inherently and
precipitate the suicide they are taking the
medication for (to prevent or alleviate the
depression). I know, for I
experienced that too. Meanwhile, you have been
given a gift of understanding and you are reaching
out to others and making a difference in the world.
That is beautiful and wonderful and I, as a
fellow human being, thank you.
of message I tried to leave in guestbook ~
loss is so recent and I know how devastating all of
the "firsts" without a beloved one are!
People can be impatient with you too - wanting you
to "let it go" and "return to
normal". (I have no idea what
"normal" is and/or, WHO decided that
"norm") In any case,
good or bad, we never "return" to
the way we were "before"... Life
will never be the same and everything about it and
ourselves - has changed forever. Be
patient with those who may treat you that way - they
just don't know. Listening is such a cherished
gift when given to us.... It somehow
helps to talk about it all... reminiscing and
sharing how special they were....
You and Peter had a love and many loving years
together.... How wonderful that he had
you! Write if you feel a desire to
share more - I do care.
Yours because I'm His, with love, prayer and
best regards, Nina
<>< ><> ><>
Brenda Sibley (married)
<>< <>< ><> ><>
I enjoyed my visit to your site and feel the love
and pain.....I lost my youngest daughter to the act of
suicide and know how much building my memorial for her
helped me...I loved reading the poetry...there are several
things on my daughters site she wrote herself .. from one
broken hearted parent to another...love and peace.....Nancy
Response ~ Dear
Nancy & family; Please
forgive the long delay in responding to your e-mail.
When the anniversary of Erics' death comes around (we call
it his "Eternal life birthday"
- April 1, 1996), I get rather melancholy and kind of
let myself let things slide a bit as I remember those last
days and events which we so enjoyed without knowing that
they would be the last. How glad I am that
we were the type to cherish each day and experience as a
last one... Still though, it is achingly
of my two daughters is manic-depressive and the older she
gets - the
worse it manifests because although she was diagnosed and
tried he medications - she would not continue on them and
denies to herself and others, just how difficult it
is. Such a life and choice harms many...
How very, very sad it is... and yet... there is
absolutely nothing that the rest of us can do for her or to
convince her that she needs to. I
understand your pain in that area and realize that you have
a much greater grief
than just her loss and absence from your lives.
I can only imagine how terrible it would be if Jeanne ended
her life in such a way.... I visited your site and both Brandi and I
cried with you at some of the pages and sharing there.
It is a good thing to be willing to share such as you and as
I and others do - for it is a help and reminder of the bond
in all mankind that binds us together... We all need
and benefit-by that.
I was a bit confused at who is who in the
photos..... ? Perhaps you could add names
to them sometime? And.... who
is the adorable Brandon?
I am sending you two awards in a separate e-mail.
The picture I used for it is one taken from the site where
we scattered Erics' ashes, his favorite place....
We now call it Freesoul and several others of us are
planning to be scattered there too.
Yours because I'm His, with
love, hugs and prayer from your gypsy, (Nina)
I visited your site, and chose
to send you the attached AWARD as recognition and
appreciation of your gift to cyber-world... Thank
you for producing and maintaining such a needed place.
Please link the award to this URL if you care to,
but it is not required of
you at all... the gift is free and from my heart.
Link here if you choose to http://www.ericofthemistybluemountains.com/index.htm
Lee Baker Award ~
This award is very special to me, and I had set the
anniversary of Erics'death, April 1, 1997, as a goal to
have it finished by... Don't
know if you know of the legend of the Pegasus and the
spirit of Poetry and Literature that it embodies - but that
is why I created that particular sketch... not
knowing that a year later my precious Eric would be dead... At
Ferrum College, their English award is now named
after Eric. On the night he was killed,
he was to have tutored a fellow student at the request of
his English professor, Dr John Hardt. He
made a quick trip to town on that
windy, rainy night with two of his friends, picking
up some food to see
him through the long night helping the student.
With the Eric Lee Baker award
that Ferrum gives each year in his name, (the award
was given to Eric in
1996), the student is given also, a book.
How Eric would have loved that being
done in his name! I cherish it also!
so it is that I chose my rendering of Pegasus for this
award. Eric lovedto appreciate artists!
It was the lifeblood of him to give his all in doing it
-and this way - he will go on doing it as long as there is
a way for me to be his ambassador
in doing so! *melancholy smile* Poetry
is a baring of our souls and you have done that in your
you choose to display this award, would you please
link it to: http://www.ericofthemistybluemountains.com/Grief/obituary.htm
again, and my best regards and appreciation to you,
Yours because I'm His, Your
Nancy Laird firstname.lastname@example.org
you for the awards and the kind words about my daughters
memorial site....the precious Brandon is the son of my dear
friend and the lady that does the technical work for the
ite....Karen and I became friends through a support group
on line....Brandon took his own life at age 11.... http://www.heartcreators.net/brandon-monrose/
you visit these 2 sites you can learn more about our work
online.....love and hugs Nancy aka MamaKass
<>< <>< ><> ><>
The Night Jesus Came
name is Sandy, from Killen, Alabama.
From one christian to another, I am asking if I may pass
this wonderful poem on to others, and absolutely with the
authors name, Bethany Farms, included?
My Aunt privately owns her own magazine that she publishes
in Arab, Alabama. These are "free"
magazines that we, personally, hand out ourselves, and some
of the family places these magazines at their own place of
business for customers to pick up freely. I have written
many articles for her, and I have currently written one on
the subject of Christmas. I ran across this poem, "Twas
the night before Jesus!", and would love to include it
with my article, with your permission of course. The poem
reminds me of the books I've been reading, the "Left
Behind" series by Tim LaHaye and Jerry B. Jenkins. My
children are reading the kids series of "Left
Be Left Behind !!
Our deadline is in 3 days, that's why I marked this email
And if not, I understand. I will still enjoy reading
it over and over and passing your wonderful web site on to
others as well.
Thank you kindly & God Bless!
: ) Sandy
you for visiting and for writing to me. I
always appreciate hearing from visitors! The first
one is the Bethany one which as far as I know is now public
domain and you may certainly use that and share.
the Night Before Jesus Came" ~ I
wrote a different one in 1997, it is here:
The Night Jesus Came You may also link or copy
that one to share. These are also
permitted to share: (just in case you hadn't found
them as yet: Who,
or What Is Santa Claus? and: My
God ~vs~ The Pagan God
Yours because I'm His, with love, hugs and
prayer from Nina
<>< <>< ><> ><>
I'm sorry about your son
My 25 year old son died on
July 9, 2001. I'm not handling it well. I guess I never
have. I thought I was doing better, but I find myself
crying all the time again and I'm having problems
concentrating. It appeared to be a suicide, but we probably
will never know for sure. I wanted to tell you that I'm
sorry that your son died also. Take Care,
Linda, Mom of Ray
too, am sorry about your son, Ray.
Of all the ways to die or to lose
a beloved, suicide is the most difficult (in my
humble opinion) of all to bear. I know that
some have agonizing illnesses or injuries and their deaths
may seem, to some people, to be the worst to bear,
but in the case of suicide, the
survivor-mourners agonize over the "Why" of that
choice and they take it personally, wondering about
their failure to see signs and warnings and DO something.
I've heard from so very many who share that universal
self-recrimination and never quite let go.
I've had two friends in my lifetime, commit suicide
and I well understand that you never quite let go of the
guilt you feel. One friend was very depressed for
some time and I would check in most every day to have a
conversation and see how he was doing. He said
that he was going to do it, and he did exactly what
he said. He simply couldn't deal with his wife
leaving him for another man and couldn't face the days or
nights. His pain was totally overwhelming.
The night he shot himself, we had talked about 90
minutes before and for a long time, I kept thinking
that I should have done something, should have
detected that there was something different about that
night. The fact was, though, it was
like most nights of those weeks of his depression.
He was also getting counseling. But in that
moment that he made that final decision, nothing else
mattered except that he wanted to escape the pain and
couldn't face another night or day. That
dear friend, Tracy, has been at rest for 11
years now and I still search our last hour-long
conversation just before he died that night, and I
wonder if there wasn't something I should have done or said
or.... So, you see, Linda, I have just a
tiny glimpse of that never-ending aspect of grieving a
suicide. But as a mother, I cannot
know your terrible pain. For a mother is the
caregiver, protector, nourisher of her children and if I
lost one to that end - I would be overwhelmed and perhaps
never let go of soul-searching, agonized guilt in thinking
that I, above all others in the childs' life,
should have known.... should have prevented...
But dear Linda, please DO try to let it go.
If there truly was anything you could have done, he
would have come to you. You did NOT fail
him in any way. It was his life and his pain and his
choice. I don't know the details of your
experience, but I feel certain that this is the
case... It certainly was the reality of Tracys'
death and in the deaths of all suicides.
As for grieving,
though. Oh, that never goes away!
There is a terrible hole in your life and nothing else will
ever fill that hole - nothing. You never
never resume your former life or return to
"normal" - there is no going back because this is
your new life, changed forever by the absence.
Every holiday and everything that brings Ray to mind,
will always ache heavily. So at some point,
you come to realize that the absence will never end and
neither, then, will your grief end.
Grief never ends, it has its' place in us and what
does change is how often we visit or tarry in that place...
Denial of anything is a postponement or evasion of
something you wish did not exist. Once you
accept this event, you will find that you have a
power to chose when and how long you will think on the
of the "never again" times and events will lessen
and actually stop once you learn to immediately think on
precious memories of the experiences which were good and
will never change - they will be your solace and spiritual
a time, we come to switch our remembrances to the
wonderful time we had with them in this world, much
more than the thoughts of "never again" (their
not being with us anymore). When you find
yourself being captured by the "woulda, coulda,
shoulda" brothers, vanquish them with the warmth
and precious memories of what you did have. When I
think of Erics' untimely death right at the pinnacle of his
life and achievements (and the senselessness of a lazy
homeowner who caused that death), I immediately say
to myself and to God, "What a joy my son was in
my life! What wonderful times we had.
What wonderful memories which nothing can take from me!
How thankful I am that I had those 23 years with him in my
life! So I let those memories tumble into my
mind like precious jewels (which they are) and delight in
the "what was" instead of the "what isn't
not will ever be again" I have also been
suicidal myself. I think most people,
honest enough to admit it, have
thought about it and considered it in moments of ultra pain
and weakness and desire to find peace... I
truly believe that those weak moments when someone is
overwhelmed and acts on that desire to be free or find
peace, God is there and He understands what we
never will! I do not hold that any of us can
know that in those last moments, they did not repent
and fall into His arms. That is what He meant
when He said "I will be with you even unto the
end" (Matthew 28:20) and also "There
hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man:
but Godis faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted
above that ye are able; but will with
the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be
able to bear it."
(1 Corinthians 10:13) God
was there and if your son was His (saved), He was
there and I believe He received him in that moment.
None of us can know if the person rejected God or accepted
the salvation which never ends being offered....
So I hope that you will find peace in that and know that
Ray is also at peace now. As much as we love our dear
children, Gods' love is greater and more powerful nd
He loves Ray and was there... I hope you believe
that. Write when you feel like it. I care.
Here is a prayer I wrote when I was at a suicidal point in
my life, it may also be of
comfort/strength/healing for you at this time? (I
pray so) Where
are you Lord? it
was a point of recovery from a lifetime of pain and desire
to die, I was healed and changed forever.
In fact, had I not had that breakdown, just
three years before Erics' death, I feel certain that
the pain would have overwhelmed me too and I would have
been another suicide statistic myself.
Here are suicide sites you may not have found on the site
yet? Just in case, I'm including the link here:
Please do not
discount Gods' love and provision for you, dear one,
for I believe it was He who led you to visit my site and
write to me... He is reaching out and providing for you
even now. He never told us that life
would be easy or that He would reconstruct everything
around us to make our lives here a haven - it never will
be! His promise is to be with us (our shepherd)
- and He IS! Hope
to hear from you again, Linda. One thing I do
know is that people around us tire of, or perhaps
simply cannot deal with, our grief rather quickly.
You are doing well to reach out and find solace and
strength as you are doing.
Yours because I'm His, with love, hugs and prayer
from Erics' Mom, Nina
you for your letter
have to tell you that in the 3 years that I have been on
this grief journey, your letter was the most comforting and
consoling letter that I have ever gotten from anyone.
And I have reached as far as my little arms would take me
on this computer. There are no words to express how much I
appreciated you writing me back in great detail the way
that you did. I've seen so many sites about Mother's who
write about their kids who died, but yours touched me
especially because I could tell that you were hurting to
the core as I have been. I could see that right away. The
poem that you wrote was exactly how I have felt for the
past 3 years. I do agree with you about
suicide being the worst. I didn't cope or function at all
the first two years after Ray's death. I quit my job and
refused to work as I was taking up a full time career as
my sons *grave care taker* and official mourner day and
night for!!! The $$ got bad because we've always had my
income so after two years I scraped my swollen eyed self up
off the floor and went back to work. I've been working for
8 months now. The past few I was really doing alot better.
I mean a lot better. Sunday, I went to visit my husband's
brother who is in jail. He doesn't get visits or letters
from anyone but me. There is no family left and when all
you have are druggies for friends, that is what happens. I
pray he straightens out this time though. Anyhow, he told
me some bad things about Ray being beat up before he died
which we were told before and couldn't get help from the
Police. But, he didn't realize that giving me details about
these guys laughing about him dying etc. were going to
throw me over the edge. He has no idea that for the next 3
hours I didn't hear a single word he said. I could only
think about what he told me about my precious son and how
was I going to process this. I feel like I'm back to square
one. I can't stop crying and I need to work. I am a Realtor
and I haven't been in the office in 4 days, I have clients
who need me. And I can't tell them, I just have to act like
everything is fine. I am
printing your letter because I'm going to read it from time
to time. It's got something special to it. I can't explain
it. I'm wondering if you weren't sent from Heaven. My
Faith has sufferred so much from all of this. I am so mad
at God. I mean, it's insane. I can't even look up to the
Heaven's anymore because I am so mad at him. And I used to
love him with all my heart. Ray was baptized and we prayed
about everything. I want you to see what
I've gotten alot of. People just do not get it about what
we've gone through. In fact, I got this letter right before
I recieved yours. I must have met this guy in a
Grief Chat. I have no idea. Here you go: "You
have to do like most of us do take one day at a time.
.Granted we will never forget our sons or
daughters., but we can`t dwell on the past.We all would
have liked to see them grow up have children.,be around us
as we get older,but thats never going to happen so all we
can do is remember all the GOOD things and forget all the
bad.Your not the only one who struggles we all do.Keep you
head up and focous on today and tomorrow those days we can
change the past is just that past."
that's supposed to make me feel better??? Oh Gee??? You
mean, that's all I have to do is forget the past??? I would
have done that along time ago if it were that easy!!!
One thing I do know is that people around us tire of,
or perhaps simply cannot deal with, our grief rather
quickly. You are doing well to reach out and
find solace and strength as you are doing.
I will be here for you if you need or want to share more.
because I'm His, with love, hugs and prayer from Erics'
was my oldest of 6. All my kids are grown except two. I
have an 11 and 15 year old at home. But, they just think,
*Oh no, here we go again*. My husband has stuck through me
and been there, but he's only human, I know he can't take
much more. I cry, cry, cry, alone, I write alone, I
try to smile and hide everything. The people I work with
have problems like they didn't reach their one million
dollar goal, or they didn't get that mansion listing like
they wanted. I just want to scream at times,
*You guys don't have a clue*!!!!
believe it was He who led you to visit my site and write to
me... He is reaching out and providing
for you even now.
might be right. I kind of do think that might have
happened. I don't go on the computer except to work and
last night I don't even know what got me going. I can't
even remember how I found your site.
never told us that life would be easy or that He
would reconstruct everything around us to make our lives
here a haven - it never
will be! His promise is to be with us (our
shepherd) - and He IS!
does make sense. I guess I never thought about it like
sister is very close to God and I've just shut her out
completely. She doesn't *Get* my Pain and I resent her so
much now. Maybe I needed to hear this from someone who
understands what I am going through. Maybe that is why God
geared me toward your site. I'm so sick of people saying,
*God Love you, now move on*. You clearly have sufferred
like I have and that was what opened the door for me to
even listen to you. You
said you were suicidal and I have been also. I never was
until Ray died. From the minute I heard the words,
*Raymond hung himself* I knew I was in deep trouble. That
to me was the worst, below the belt thing that could have
ever happened to me. I knew I'd never be the same and I
have thought about suicide at least a hundred times
thank you for your response. It helped more than you will
ever know. I
made so many websites for Raymond after he died. I would
sit and cry on the computer for hours.
for Ray and
Mom of Raymond ~ My Precious Son
Poem that you wrote "Your Words"
I've been going all over your website
and I just read the poem that you wrote about your son.
Wow!!! That is Exactly how I feel. Only, I am so upset with
God. I don't want to pray or anything. I used to love him
so much, but I prayed and prayed for my son and I feel that
this is what I got in return. :o( I am
sorry. I just don't understand this whole thing.
Linda, Mom of Ray
that you and I both turned to the computer to use our pain
to create websites. I knew nothing of creating
one until then. I did belong to a 50+ chatroom
at the time and my cyber family was so loving and
supportive! Did you find the section of the
exchanges between us at the time? It is here http://www.user.shentel.net/nbaker/Grief/50plus.htm
noticed as I went through your guestbooks, the
messages seem to be cut off, so I'm sending you here
in an e-mail, what I wrote there to you yesterday:
through your site yesterday but was aching so much for you
that I couldn't sign in!
I don't believe I've ever ~met anyone who lost THREE
loved ones to suicide.
What a strength you must now have developed.
Whatever doesn't make us bitter, makes us better...
so you must be "The Best".
A wonderful site. Love, hugs and prayer from me,
you for your appreciation of my message to you.
It was nice to hear from you again and know that I made a
difference. I felt a closeness and bond with you as I
shared your pages. You family is really
beautiful.... exceptionally so, and it is all
the more difficult thinking of anyone, in the midst of all
that happiness and beauty, being able to choose to
leave them or hurt them. Haunting, Linda,
even for me.... for
Ray just doesn't have any hint of drug-abuse or depression
in his eyes or body language or anywhere at all.
If someone did end his life and it wasn't suicide, I
hope that the truth will out for you.... you've had
so much to bear! I
hope that you continue to be able to go back to work and be
with people because you have a lot to give to others and I
know that God can use you mightily to touch others and help
them to heal too. You are a deeply loving
and beautiful person. I never used a public
guestbook, but have many, many messages and
exchanges on my site with an e-mail guestbook which I chose
to create in my own way and chose also, the entries I
put there. Would you want ours to go there?
If you want to check them out, they begin here and
the table at the bottom is easy to use to go through them
if you like: Guestbook
These guestbooks are so healing and special, I hope
that you may find that to be so for you too. So
far, there are 15 archives and I have about two
volumes to catch up on posting Hope to hear from you again,
Linda. God loves you!
because I'm His, with love, hugs and prayer
from Erics' Mom, Nina
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