A Marriage Ending
Before you go on to read our story, I want you to know that both Roger and I are sharing this with you by mutual agreement to give the gift of our tragic and painful experiences to others who may benefit by our doing so. There is not just one message here - there are several. We hope that it will make a difference and give new perspective, hope and healing for others who feel trapped and floundering in a sea of confusion and agony.... We hope that you will see that the burning fires of purification will produce something beautiful if you just wait and purify your own heart while it is happening. Who did what to whom is not what is important or most relevant, it is how you deal with your own feelings and actions through it all.
It cannot really be said that infidelity was the direct cause of the failure of our marriage. Infidelity is a symptom of something (or things) being wrong.... wrong somewhere.... When our head hurts, we know that the pain is telling us that something is wrong somewhere- and if we treat the symptom and not the cause - it will return again and again until the cause is dealt with or subsides. So too, is the manifestation of infidelity in a marriage, a symptom of a cause or causes which allow it to happen.
I am not going to try to lay out explanations or solutions, all I am doing here is sharing what happened to us and what can happen to anyone if there is no solid foundation of two healthy and committed people to build a marriage upon.
There are plenty of books already out there dealing with co-dependency between two people, and how to deal with all of that. We are not here to do that either. We are here only to share what it did to us.
Actually, this is even more about me, than the marriage and/or Roger. It is about having what people call a "Breakdown"... It is to share that love can survive all things, if it is true and if it is pure - it will endure even if the marriage does not. Love can be perfect in spite of our personal imperfections. Roger and I are proof of that, for our love is actually (and to our great surprise) even deeper than ever. It did not die, though the relationship did.... Another relationship began (between the two of us) even before the ashes cooled and we found ourselves turning and going separate ways in 1993/94.... It is, in its' own way, even more beautiful than what it ever was before. It is absolutely unconditional. Beautiful because it transcended all of the pain and all of the brokenness.... We no longer depend on each other emotionally, and we no longer have expectations of each other.... and yet - there remains a committedness to each other that bonds us with a permanence that has been tested, tried and fired in the ovens of a kiln which left us with, to our surprise, a new and different relationship. In its' way, it is a soulmate relationship. Others whom we love and who love us are not going to be altogether comfortable with it, we know, but some things just happen without our choosing or creating them.... they just are and we accept it like air and water and other elements of life and living... I believe it formed much the way those permanent bonds form between soldiers who have faced the hell of war together and found thereafter that the sharing made them soulmates also. We have faced our private hells and our marriage-hell, and we did it together. We survived as individuals and as a bonded pair of souls.
The sharing is taking a very long time - for with the death of our son, Eric, and a long series of orthopedic surgeries (on me) and recoveries from them, I have not been able to spend as much time as I had planned when I began this sharing. It will come. I finish what I start! *s* So please be patient and return from time to time to check on the progress.
I want to say publicly, how wonderful I believe it is of Roger, to be willing to go public with our story. If he had objected, I would not have it here, for it is OUR story, not just mine. We both believe that God is our only true judge, and He already knows our story.... But if others can be helped, (and they already are saying that they find this to be so), then what we suffered and survived will be like a candle in the darkness of despair and discouragement of their own experiences....
Suicide claims the lives of so many people every year. "Breakdowns" still stigmatize people, and therapy embarrasses friends and family who feel humiliated, betrayed and resentful that they are being discussed and/or exposed, and challenged to change and grow also.
Both Roger and I went through the hell of my becoming compulsively suicidal throughout the summer of 1993. It was a terrible time, certainly, but it was also a time of spiritual healing for me. I first attempted suicide at 12 and like a bird with a broken wing, I never did fly freely... Not until 1993.
There was so much to be faced and dealt with in my life, but becoming a mother at 15, I missed a lot of lifes' little "flight lessons"! Although I was a child of God and had great faith in Him, I had little trust or expectation of His "help" or support. I was resigned to the apparent (to me) reality that He was making a better place for us all in Paradise and life would be good in eternity, but here, in this world, we were left to fend for ourselves. Little wonder, then, that I was so longing to leave this world!
It was through this "breakdown" in 1993, that I learned, healed and grew into faith in Him for the first time. For, I saw then, that He had "been with me" and "kept" me through all and in all.... every moment of my life. He never told us He would make this world perfect or even good... His promise was always and is forever, to be with us..... and, if we allow Him sovereignty in our lives and all that we do, He will use all things for good.... ALL THINGS.
In my journey of summer, 1993, I saw Him in the 50 years and in the present... whereas, until then... I primarily saw Him as the future I would inherit when this life ended and eternity began for me.... The "breakdown" was exactly three years, to the month, that Eric was killed. I do not think that I would have survived that if I had not felt Gods' great presence and been able to hear His Spirit speaking to me throughout those days and every day.... at all times. You might say that the breakdown of 1993 saved my life.... for it began the spiritual healing and faith which brought me to abide in Him completely. I learned that faith and trust are not at all the same thing! I will show you what I learned in the 1993 summer which healed a lifetime of not understanding this most important lesson and then I have shared with others just as I am sharing with you now. (I Peter 3:15 - But sanctify the Lord God in your hearts: and be ready always to give an answer to every man that asketh you a reason of the hope that is in you)
In Rogers' own words, Subject: Page ~ Date: Fri, 19 Jun 1998 23:23:14 -0400 Nina, <snip> I just want you to know that I didn't think you would want to hurt me and it is OK to continue the published work just the way it is. If our story will help anyone then it must be used for that purpose and I should thank God for using the wrong I have done to rectify some of the harm I have done to others who have loved me. I know that facing responsibilities isn't always easy but I must do just that.
My response, Date: Sat, 20 Jun 1998 06:20:59 -0800 ~ Subject: Re: Page ~ Roger, <snip> Thank you for the morning message here which greeted me. The most important part of this message, is that you really DO understand and that you accept my choice for whatever my reasons are... Your message shows a love and spiritual growth that also makes me feel very good about you, yourself.
undecided - putting some up now
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