This is my special place!
Nina Roberta Baker

Things I have learned in my living and loving.....
I speak my thoughts of love... Most of all,  I have learned to love myself enough to not be hurt anymore.   (
although we cannot always prevent being hurt,  we can and must prevent ~repeated  abuse of any sort or source).   This is a great thing to achieve!  A commitment we must keep!   All too often,  the source of abuse is  from within.... not without!    I hope that  what I have learned and am sharing here,  may help others who have not yet  discovered these things and may profit from the wisdom I've come to have through experiential-learning 
(the most painful "school of learning")

From GUESTBOOK

This is excerpted from the guest-book Archive #3

<ex...>You said you lost your hubby...did he pass away?
I'm so sorry to hear that you lost him also. <ex....>

----------------------------------

<my reply> Dear Sister Peg....
What a beautiful testimony of love you are sharing!
I can think of no other way to put it - to stand by your loved
one (husband, relative or friend,) regardless of how or why
they come to the consequences of their choices -and be there
for them no matter what... is the Spirit of our Lord Jesus
Christ in us flowing on and out to others.
I didn't mean to mislead you about my husband, Roger...
I guess that it isn't entirely accurate to say that I lost my husband...
for he is alive and loves me yet as always and ever he did
and/or will... more, in fact - than I could even comprehend....
In his childhood he grew to trust only women - never learning to
bond with, establish, nurture and maintain relationships with males
- subsequently (and sadly, unfortunate for us both) -
those friendships that he did gravitate quite naturally toward -
were with women. It is not safe to have such friendships....particularly
if they are the only kind you can have - for they lead to intimacy
and then to ~more~ until the vows spoken so sincerely are broken in
the artificial heat of secrecy and then the forbidden nature of those
friendships that turn into affairs....destroying the sacred bond
intended by God to unite the man and wife into one....
I had suspected it for years - but when the time came that
I could not escape the reality any longer - and A.I.D.S. became such a
dreadful risk of such choices - I could not continue to be a wife to
him in all ways. But - in all ways EXCEPT that one - I am his wife.
One day, should he ever come to trust in the one Father that he must
trust first and last above all men (or women...) - then I believe that
our marriage could be healed. But, sad to say - his distrust and
alienation to his earthly father has contaminated
every other relationship in his life.
God can heal that.  He wants to.  And Roger wants Him to also....
I believe that one day that may happen.    In fact - he is
closer to such a union than in all the 25 years I have known him....
(We have been married only 21 years)...
We are very close in many ways - in particularly, spiritually...
and I will never forsake him.    (nor will he ever  forsake me)   
Unless he seeks a divorce - I will not seek another mate.     
I leave the rest to God and
to the future as I turn my heart and strength to each day alone.
These days - I sometimes barely have strength for that alone...
I love Roger.   I do not trust him... for I have no reason to -
but I am not closed to ever doing so again.    I believe
that if and when that time comes - I will, and it will be through
the will and grace of God - not of my own or Rogers'....
And so I leave it with Him...
It may be that the day will never come at all.    
I can only say then, 
Amen...
But you - dear sister... are at least free to begin again in a new relationship should that come about.    If that is what you would like -
then it is my prayer for you that you will.    If you are content alone, then I give thanks with you that you are....   Whether alone or with a mate -
our peace and contentment comes truly from within our own selves anyway.... and so - I wish you peace and contentment always....
*Grinning now*... I must confess to you that the
~FROGGI SEZ~ section is devoted to my Frog-Prince husband Roger.
He is my co-creator of that section and we LOVE it!
We are really sharing about ourselves in some of it! *teeheehee*....
We enjoy it like teenagers!
We have this whole silly ~thing~ about frogs together....
Whether frog or man - he is a Prince...
MY prince - in many, many ways.... and I love him.

=================
  1999 ~ Roger and I have taken the last step and made it official .  
We are now legally divorced.

Soul Talk

WHAT IS THIS THING CALLED FRIENDSHIP????

First of all.... it is honesty!

Out of this honesty, comes a love...
or perhaps - (in some cases) the love comes first 
and then the courage to be honest?

Or???? - Out of love comes courage to be honest?

Seems confusing, doesn't it?
~
It must begin somewhere with one who loves unconditionally.... A love that can truly say -
"IF I LOVE YOU - WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?"
(I don't remember the quotes' source - but it is an actual quote)....

Interpreted, it means... 
"You owe me nothing for this love..... and 
I owe you nothing because of this love..... 
It originated in my soul - you did nothing to cause it.
It is not obligatory that I give it to you ...
 I only know that it is there for/about you... 
It is mine.    
It has potential, like a garden, to produce the loveliest of good things and nutrient for the soul... but it also holds an equal and opposite potential to harm.... yes - even to destroy ones' spirit and then, in the worst case scenario..... that destruction could reach beyond that even unto ones' soul.......

Pure love.... the kind that comes without bidding
and without price,  is a part of the soul.... this kind of love is apart from all others.   Not more or less than `cultivated' varieties .....    just different.   It is a ~Soul-Thing~

Some have asked me how they can know 
if their love is this special soul-borne ... unconditional love.
I reply that if they wonder and have need to ask -
it is not......

Insecurity

If you cannot love you,
and cannot even believe God loves you -
what do you have to be secure in?

Self Esteem
If you can't do it -
you must find someone who will!

This means dependence 
Dependence  means insecurity

Control/Power

Control in a relationship, 
is most....ah, er.... - or actually...... is only 
necessary when a person who does not love himself, 
wants/needs to hold on to the love of someone else.   
If he cannot love himself, 
then he cannot truly believe that anyone else can either.  
In the initial stages of such a relationship,  all is well 
because the attraction and hormonal inspirations are so  strong and overwhelming.  You would think that would be good - but actually,  as the relationship becomes stronger - the fear in a person with low self-esteem - begins to influence and effect that person... and, of course,  the relationship itself.   This fear begins because the more they esteem the `other' (the partner) - the more they  feel insecure in their "worth" of that persons' love.   

How well I remember  the many times my Roger would ask me - "Why do you love me?"   I never could come up with a specific answer.   This troubled him (well,  it troubled me too - for I wanted to satisfy that need he seemed to have to validate it and feel secure in knowing the "why" of it) but I simply could not point to any special thing or things which I could identify as the reason  or source of my love for him.   And, indeed,  even today,  after all the bad times and pain - I love him as I always did.   I just reached a point where I realized that it was not good to give myself to him any longer in the terrible relationship which we had.   

Emotional abuse and extreme control are not only difficult for the person seen as `the victim' - but also,  for the one who is having to maintain the control.  When I say victim - I do not mean that just one of them is doing the victimizing - for anyone who submits to it is a party to the crime and in allowing the abuse,  is also abusing themselves by that submission and endurance... and not only that 
(
as if that weren't  bad enough!
 but in allowing the abuser to harm them- the one doing the abusing grows ever more burdened with guilt and fear - for there is a continuous lessening of the already low-self-esteem - and like a snowball rolling  around gathering more snow and growing larger and larger - it is an ever growing problem the longer it goes on.... (
It took me about 15 years to realize that the root of that question lay in his inability to love and esteem himself of being worthy of the love I felt for him.    When I came to understand this....  I also came to realize that we might never survive his fear and extreme need to control )

And so it is that the masquerade begins!
We all need love.
If one does not feel worthy of it - 
then it must be sought from others.
Sadly though - they cannot believe that they are loved ~
`for' or `as ' ~ themselves...
for if they, who know themselves best of all
(
or, so they think)... do not, will not , love themselves.....
"Who then, will?" they ask. (Most will not even
accept/believe that God, Himself loves them!)
It follows then that they must hide themselves -
pretending to be something they are not....
(
Never free - always bound by the pretenses they feel they must maintain,)
Or hiding what they discern to be those terrible,
unacceptable facets of themselves.
With the deception comes the fear....
fear of being known or found out.
With the fear, comes resentment for not being accepted...
and for being uncomfortable and insecure....
The more they fear, the harder they try to control and maintain their grasp.  They may also come to feel so discomforted at the fear and guilt that grows within them - that they will begin to annihilate the relationship as a means of getting out of the discomfort and guilt!    It sort of sounds like a dog chasing its' tail.... And, in a way - I suppose it feels like that to them as well.

Power becomes the key to not being alone....  
Being alone is the most central and universal fear of all mankind - regardless of whether they choose the alone-ness or not.

If they believe they are not lovable, they must be powerful!
If someone offers love to them ...
- they must immediately find out WHY that person loves
them so that they can control it.....
(for otherwise, they are always fearing to lose it- because they feel unworthy of it.  This may sound odd and even too simple - but it is a profound statement of truth which we should all hold and understand)
What other choice is there for someone who cannot love themselves? How can they believe in any love at all?
They utterly cannot. That leaves them with only the choice of becoming empowered ~earn/deserve~ or to hold onto others.

Where there is weakness - exists opportunity for power.  
They will be drawn to people they can feel superior to,  and control, (
thereby, insuring their own security).  

Such a person must seek love and approval from those outside themselves by portraying themselves the way they think they should be... or by finding needy/weak people who will feel so grateful for the attention which they interpret as love, that they will surrender themselves in exchange for receiving what they also cannot, or will not give to themselves as they also feel unworthy....
Then there are TWO who are seeking
the same thing from others that they cannot give to themselves 
and cannot believe that anyone can give freely.
From there it gets worse.   Each, needing power and seeing weakness in the other, - begins to facilitate the weaknesses 
in order to increase their own power
(and therefore, security).
The alcoholic, the overweight, the insecure, the ignorant,
the fearful, the wounded.... all are prey for each other.
If one begins to overcome their weakness -
it is a threat to the other - and seldom will
both the person and the relationship, survive the change.
One or the other will be forfeit.
All will suffer.

But sometimes......
Sometimes,   such relationships actually work out well....  for the less "challenged" they feel when in a relationship... the more secure they will feel.   Security is a strong bond...  and it simplifies their lives.  Down deep inside,  their souls may long for something more... but the person who does not come to love himself grows weary with the trying and gradually seeks an easier situation (relationship)  ~ Which is to say,  "Don't raise the bridge, Lower the water!"

Transparency
Can only come to be in a person or a relationship when they feel good about and accept themselves.   Ironically, it is the greatest power of all.   Yet those who need and who seek power
are absolutely unable to be transparent!

Infidelity
Searching for perfection?
Failing to maintain the illusion, or just giving up 
the increasingly difficult task of trying?
Running from mistakes?
Searching for that clean slate?
Each thrilling new encounter presenting a fresh opportunity to achieve what has failed in the past with former partners...
maybe this one will work out better !
And let us not forget the powerful influence of hormones stimulated by the secrecy and or the ~newness~ of those thrills which give birth to infatuation & fuel carnal passion....
The great imitation of love.....

Trust

A most rare and precious jewel. 
It is the foundation of friendship. 
So now we have come full circle 
and arrived back where we started.

 I speak of love..... Nina Roberta Baker

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