|
WHAT
IS THIS THING CALLED FRIENDSHIP????
First
of all.... it is honesty!
Out
of this honesty, comes a love...
or perhaps - (in some cases)
the love comes first
and then the courage to be
honest?
Or????
- Out of love comes courage to be honest?
Seems
confusing, doesn't it?
~
It
must begin somewhere with one who loves
unconditionally.... A love that can truly say -
"IF I LOVE YOU - WHAT IS THAT TO YOU?"
(I
don't remember the quotes' source - but it is an
actual quote)....
Interpreted,
it means...
"You owe me nothing for this
love..... and
I owe you nothing because of this
love.....
It originated in my soul - you did nothing
to cause it.
It is not obligatory that I give
it to you ...
I only know that it is there for/about
you...
It is mine.
It has potential, like a garden,
to produce the loveliest of good things and nutrient
for the soul... but it also holds an equal and
opposite potential to harm.... yes - even to destroy
ones' spirit and then, in the worst case
scenario..... that destruction could reach beyond
that even unto ones' soul.......
Pure
love.... the kind that comes without bidding
and without price, is a part of the soul.... this kind of love is
apart from all others. Not more or less
than `cultivated' varieties .....
just different. It is a ~Soul-Thing~
Some
have asked me how they can know
if their love is
this special soul-borne ... unconditional love.
I reply that if they wonder and have need to ask -
it is not......
Insecurity
If
you cannot love you,
and cannot even believe God loves you -
what do you have to be secure in?
Self
Esteem
If you
can't do it -
you must find someone who will!
This
means dependence
Dependence means insecurity
Control/Power
Control
in a relationship,
is most....ah, er.... -
or actually...... is only
necessary when
a person who does not love himself,
wants/needs to hold on
to
the love of someone else.
If he cannot
love himself,
then he cannot truly believe that anyone else can
either.
In the initial stages of such a
relationship, all is well
because the
attraction and hormonal inspirations are so
strong and overwhelming. You would think that
would be good - but actually, as the
relationship becomes stronger - the fear in a person
with low self-esteem - begins to influence and
effect that person... and, of course, the
relationship itself. This fear begins
because the more they esteem the `other' (the
partner) - the more they feel insecure in
their "worth" of that persons'
love.
How well I remember the many
times my Roger would ask me - "Why do you love
me?" I never could come up with a
specific answer. This troubled him
(well, it troubled me too - for I wanted to
satisfy that need he seemed to have to validate it
and feel secure in knowing the "why" of
it) but I simply could not point to any special
thing or things which I could identify as the reason
or source of my love for him. And,
indeed, even today, after all the bad
times and pain - I love him as I always
did. I just reached a point where I
realized that it was not good to give myself to him
any longer in the terrible relationship which we
had.
Emotional abuse and extreme control
are not only difficult for the person seen as `the
victim' - but also, for the one who is having
to maintain the control. When I say victim - I
do not mean that just one of them is doing the
victimizing - for anyone who submits to it is a
party to the crime and in allowing the abuse,
is also abusing themselves by that submission and
endurance... and not only that
(as
if that weren't bad enough!)
but in allowing the abuser to harm them- the one
doing the abusing grows ever more burdened with
guilt and fear - for there is a continuous lessening
of the already low-self-esteem - and like a snowball
rolling around gathering more snow and growing
larger and larger - it is an ever growing problem
the longer it goes on.... (It
took me about 15 years to realize that the root of
that question lay in his inability to love and
esteem himself of being worthy of the love I felt
for him. When I came to understand
this.... I also came to realize that we might
never survive his fear and extreme need to control
)
And so it is that the masquerade begins!
We all need love.
If one does not feel worthy of it -
then it must be sought from others.
Sadly though - they cannot believe that they are
loved ~
`for' or `as ' ~ themselves...
for if they, who know themselves best of all
(or,
so they think)...
do not, will not , love themselves.....
"Who then, will?" they ask. (Most will not
even
accept/believe that God, Himself loves them!)
It follows then that they must hide themselves -
pretending to be something they are not....
(Never
free - always bound by the pretenses they feel they
must maintain,)
Or hiding what they discern to be those terrible,
unacceptable facets of themselves.
With the deception comes the fear....
fear of being known or found out.
With the fear, comes resentment for not being
accepted...
and for being uncomfortable and insecure....
The more they fear, the harder they try to control
and maintain their grasp. They may also come
to feel so discomforted at the fear and guilt that
grows within them - that they will begin to
annihilate the relationship as a means of getting
out of the discomfort and guilt! It sort of
sounds like a dog chasing its' tail.... And, in a
way - I suppose it feels like that to them as well.
Power becomes the key to not being
alone....
Being alone is the most central and universal fear
of all mankind - regardless of whether they choose
the alone-ness or not.
If they believe they are not lovable, they must be powerful!
If someone offers love to them ...
- they must immediately find out WHY that person
loves
them so that they can control it..... (for
otherwise, they are always fearing to lose it-
because they feel unworthy of it. This may
sound odd and even too simple - but it is a profound
statement of truth which we should all hold and
understand)
What other choice is there for someone who cannot
love themselves? How can they believe in any love at
all?
They utterly cannot. That leaves them with only the
choice
of becoming empowered ~earn/deserve~ or to hold onto others.
Where
there is weakness - exists opportunity for
power.
They will be drawn to people they can feel superior
to, and control, (thereby,
insuring their own security).
Such
a person must seek love and approval from those
outside themselves by portraying themselves the way
they think they should be... or by finding
needy/weak people who will feel so grateful for the
attention which they interpret as love, that they
will surrender themselves in exchange for receiving
what they also cannot, or will not give to
themselves as they also feel unworthy....
Then there are TWO who are seeking
the same thing from others that they cannot give to
themselves
and cannot believe that anyone can give freely.
From there it gets worse. Each, needing
power and seeing weakness in the other, - begins to
facilitate the weaknesses
in order to increase their own power (and
therefore, security).
The alcoholic, the overweight, the insecure, the
ignorant,
the fearful, the wounded.... all are prey for each
other.
If one begins to overcome their weakness -
it is a threat to the other - and seldom will
both the person and the relationship, survive the
change.
One or the other will be forfeit.
All will suffer.
But
sometimes......
Sometimes, such relationships actually
work out well.... for the less
"challenged" they feel when in a
relationship... the more secure they will
feel. Security is a strong bond... and it simplifies their lives. Down deep
inside, their souls may long for something
more... but the person who does not come to love
himself grows weary with the trying and gradually
seeks an easier situation (relationship) ~
Which is to say, "Don't raise the bridge,
Lower the water!"
Transparency
Can
only come to be in a person or a relationship when
they feel good about and accept themselves.
Ironically, it is the greatest power of all.
Yet those who need and who seek power
are absolutely
unable to be transparent!
Infidelity
Searching
for perfection?
Failing to maintain the illusion, or just giving
up
the increasingly difficult task of trying?
Running from mistakes?
Searching for that clean slate?
Each thrilling new encounter presenting a fresh
opportunity to achieve what has failed in the past
with former partners...
maybe this one will work out better !
And let us not forget the powerful influence of
hormones stimulated by the secrecy and or the
~newness~ of those thrills which give birth to
infatuation & fuel carnal passion....
The great imitation of love.....
Trust
A
most rare and precious jewel.
It is the foundation of friendship.
So now we have come full circle
and arrived back where we started.
I
speak of love..... 
Nina
Roberta Baker
|
1999 ~ Roger and I have taken the last step and made
it official . 