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Pillsbury Doughboy Obituary

Veteran Pillsbury spokes model
Pop N. Fresh
died yesterday of a severe yeast infection. He was 71.

Fresh was buried following one of the largest funerals in recent years. Dozens of celebrities turned out, including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, Chef Boyardee, and the Hostess Twinkies. The grave site was piled high with flours as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who never knew how much he was kneaded.

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with many turnovers. He was not considered a very smart cookie, wasting much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model for millions.

Fresh is survived by his second wife. They have two children and another in the oven. The funeral was held at 3:50 for about 20 minutes.

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Ice Cream For Lunch
Two robins were sitting on the grass one day enjoying the warm sun. A Mama cat and her kitten walked by and the little kitty complained to its' Mama, "Mama I'm so hungry, what can we eat?" Seeing the two robins sitting in the sun she replied, "How about some Baskin Robbins?"
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Worldwide Fame
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as
the lesser of two weevils.
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Pun Contest
There was a man who entered a local papers' pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win.
Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
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Holiday Fare
Guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
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Remember the "Big UPS Strike"?
Since the United Parcel Strike, Federal-Express and United Parcel Service have been talking about a merger of the two companies. It looks like it is going to go through. The name of the new company will be called
"Fed-Up"
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Knight in Need:

Sir Edgbert, knight of the realm, was hurrying home on a cold, dark, wet night when, suddenly, his horse suffered a major coronary and died on the spot. All Sir Edgbert could do was collect up what belongings he could and tramp onwards.

After staggering for a spell, he decides that he must get alternative transport. Accordingly, he heads for the nearest building which, as luck would have it, is a small farm. He strides up to the door, bangs on it and shouts 'A horse! A horse!. I must have a horse!".

The door opens to reveal a young girl. She looks at Sir Edgbert and says, "Your pardon, good night but my father and brothers are returning from the village on the other side of the forest and will not be back before noon tomorrow. They are riding all our horses".

Sir Edgbert is saddened by this and says "But I must return home immediately. Have you any idea where I may acquire alternative transportation?".

The young girl says "I know of no other horses hereabouts, but sometimes my brothers ride our Great Dane dog when the need arises. Would use of that help?"

Sir Edgbert is desperate and says "If I must, I must. Show me the animal". The young girl leads the way around to the back of the farmhouse to a stable. She disappears inside and returns leading an enormous dog which is quite a reasonable size for riding. Unfortunately, the dog has seen better days. It's coat is threadbare, its' legs are spindly and it seems to be breathing laboriously.

Sir Edgbert looks at the young girl and says, 
"Surely, you wouldn't send a knight out on a dog like this?"

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Buddhist Hot Dog
Q: What did the Buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?
A: Make me one with everything.
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Penny Goes on a Cruise

Penny was a hard working, conscientious girl, who lived on her own. Her dream in life was to go on an ocean cruise around the world. So she scrimped, and she saved, and she saved, and she scrimped until finally, one day, she had enough money to go on her ocean cruise. She booked passage on a cruise liner - first class all the way... The cruise started off in a grandiose scale, dancing and parties every night. But Penny was a cautious girl, so she never drank, but just danced the night away.

One night, after they had been at sea for a week, Penny was walking back to her cabin, when the heel on her left shoe broke throwing her off balance. If that wasn't enough, the ship chose that moment to tilt to the left. As a result, Penny was thrown overboard. A hue and a cry were immediately raised, and after about five minutes they found Penny. Hauling her aboard, the ship's crew realized that it was too late, poor Penny was dead.

Normally, they would have done a burial at sea, but as I said before, Penny was a very conscientious girl, and had written a will. In it, she specified that she wished for her body to be cremated, and kept in a jar on her parents' fireplace mantel. Her wishes were fulfilled, which just goes to show you that a Penny saved is a Penny urned.

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