BAR - PUNS
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She was
only the moonshiners daughter, but I loved her still!
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NO STRINGS ALLOWED!
A piece of string walks into
a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender says "Say, aren't
you string?" The
string confirms that he is and the bartender replies
"GET OUT! We don't
serve your kind here!"
Well, as the string leaves he runs into a friend who asks
to buy him a drink. "We can't go
in there, they don't serve string."
"They'll serve
us," his friend says, "just
do what I do."
The string then proceed to tie themselves together and
scuff up each trailing end. "There now, let's go
in."
As they enter the bar and order a drink, the bartender
says,
"Say, aren't you guys
string?" To which the
strings reply...
"Nope, we're A-FRAYED
KNOT!"
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A
mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink.
The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms
here."
The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a real fun guy!"
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COMPLIMENTS
of the MANAGEMENT
Ralph walks into
a bar and sits down to have a drink.
There's only one other person sitting at the bar and he's
way down at the other end of the room slouched over his
table.
Ralph orders a
drink and as he tilts his head back to imbibe the first
cold one of the day he hears a very, very tiny voice say
"Hey, nice tie!" Ralph sits down the drink with
great speed and looks around the room. Bartender at one
end washing glasses and the drunk sitting way over in the
corner passed out.
Ralph shakes his
head, chuckles at what just happened and writes it off as
his mind just being over worked and under fed! As he
lifts his mug of beer for his now much needed thirst
quencher he hears "Hey buddy, that's a fantastic
button-down shirt in a very attractive broad cloth
material" Now Ralph thinks the bartender must be
putting him on by being a ventriloquist. He calls the
bartender over to challenge him. "Hey
Yourself", Ralph said. "Who said those things
to me while I was trying to take a drink?" The
bartender replied, "Look in front of you.....in the
bowl on the bar......those are just complimentary
peanuts!"
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A woodpecker walks into a
pub and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
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So this guy walks
into a bar with his 10 foot tall giraffe.
Despite the strange stares from the other bar occupants,
they proceed to drink themselves silly. After about a
dozen drinks, the giraffe stands up and then keels over.
At this his companion stands up as well, settles his bar
bill and starts to walk out of the bar. The bartender
shouts, "Hey
idiot, you can't leave that lyin' here!" The man replies, "You're the idiot,
that's a giraffe, not a lion!"
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NUTS
TO DRINK
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar
for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender
knew of his habit, and would always have the drink
waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end
of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to
find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking
quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory
nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his
regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed,
"This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm
sorry," replied the bartender, "It's a hickory
daiquiri, Doc."
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SYMPHONY
BAR
A number of years
ago, the Seattle Symphony
was doing Beethoven's Ninth under the baton of Milton
Katims.
At this point you must understand two things:
(1) There's a long segment in this symphony during which
the bass violins don't have a thing to do. Not a single
note for page after page.
(2) There used to be a tavern called Dez's 400 right
across the street from the Seattle Opera House, rather
favored by local musicians.
It had been decided that during this performance, after
the bass players had played their parts in the opening of
the Ninth, they were to quietly lay down their
instruments and leave the stage, rather than sit on their
stools looking and feeling dumb for twenty minutes.
Well, once they got backstage, someone suggested that
they trot across the street and quaff a few brews. After
they had downed the first couple of rounds, one said,
"Shouldn't we be getting back? It'd be awfully
embarrassing if we were late." Another, presumably
the one who suggested this excursion in the first place,
replied, "Oh, I anticipated we could use a little
more time, so I tied a string around the last pages of
the conductor's score. When he gets down to there,
Milton's going to have to slow the tempo way down while
he waves the baton with one hand and fumbles with the
string with the other."
So they had another round and finally returned to the
Opera House, a little tipsy by now. However, as they came
back on stage, one look at their conductor's face told
them they were in serious trouble.
Katims was furious! And why not? After all..... It was
the bottom of the Ninth, the score was tied, and the
basses were loaded.
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