Vegetarians eat
vegetables. Beware of humanitarians!.
=======
See
Sharp or Be Flat
Driving to work,
I had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck
in front of me. Moments later, a trooper pulled me over
for reckless driving. Luckily, another patrolman had seen
the object in the road, so they stopped traffic and
retrieved the box, which turned out to contain large
upholstery tacks. "Oh, gosh, I'm sorry about this,
but now I am going to have to write you a ticket after
all." "For what?" I asked, surprised. He
replied, "Tacks evasion."
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Q-What do you get when you toss a hand
grenade into a kitchen in France? A-Linoleum
blownapart.
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A hydrogen atom comes running into a police station
asking for help:
Hydrogen atom: "Somebody
just stole my electron!"
Policeman: "Are you
sure?" Hydrogen atom: "Yes, I'm positive"
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Illegal
Operation
A research group
was engaged in a study of longevity in mammals and had
recently focused their attention on a particular species
of porpoise, which they studied from their floating
laboratory off the coast of Baja Mexico. They came to
believe that, if fed just the right combination of
nutrients, this particular porpoise could, in theory,
live forever.
To put this to the test, they studied the world's flora
and fauna to see if any naturally occurring organism
would fit the bill. They finally narrowed the selection
down to an unusual species of mynah bird, and they sent a
team of researchers off to gather a specimen. It turns
out that the mynah bird in question was quite rare,
living only in a single tree in Kenya. The research team
finally arrived at the tree to capture a bird, only to
find that the tree was surrounded by a pride of very
hungry lions, precluding any reasonable attempt to
approach and climb the tree. A suggestion was made that
the lions might be manageable if they could be fed, and a
couple of fat cape buffalo were captured and offered to
the lions. The hungry lions devoured the hapless beasts
and lay down upon the grass to digest their meal. One of
the researchers then gingerly tiptoed past the lions,
climbed the tree, and had little difficulty capturing one
of the mynah birds. He climbed back down the tree and
walked past the lions to rejoin the group when a game
warden appeared and arrested him for (what else)...
"Transporting mynahs across sated lions for immortal
porpoises."
=======
Q- Did you hear
about the red ship and the blue ship that collided?
A- Both crews were marooned.
=======
ONLY
YOU!!!
There was a group
of friars who were behind on their belfry payments, so
they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds.
Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men in the
really cute robes, the rival florist across town thought
the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to
close down, but they would not. He went back and begged
the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his
mother to go and ask the friars to get out of business.
They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh
MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town,
to "persuade" them to close. Hugh beat up the
friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if
they didn't close shop. Terrified, they did so - thereby
proving that Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist
friars.
=======
Two atoms are walking down
the street and they run in to each other. One says to the
other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an
electron!" "Are you sure?"
"Yeah, I'm positive!"
=======
Twin
Adoption
A woman has
twins, and gives them up for adoption.
One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named
"Amal." The other goes to a family in Spain;
they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a
picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the
picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also
had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, "But
they are twins--if you've seen Juan, you've seen
Amal."
=======
Very early one
morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large
puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So...
the one flies over and the other one swims through -
which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of
course, because "da oily boid gets da woim"
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CHESS
A group of chess
enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament
victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of
the office and asked them to disperse. "But
why?", they asked, as they moved off.
"Because," he said, "
I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
=======
MISSING
NUTRIENT
(We borrowed this
one from Froggy-Sez,
"Thank you Froggy, that was Toadally nice of you to
lend it to us! *s*)
Jim Finn, the
noted biologist, was stumped. He'd spent months studying
the little green frogs in the Keefo swamp. The
population, despite all efforts at predator control, was
declining at an alarming rate. Finally, Finn went to the
chemistry department at his college to see if anyone
there might be able to help. Tom Trom looked into the
problem, and came up with a solution. The little frogs
had succumbed to a chemical change in the swamp's water,
and simply couldn't stay coupled long enough to
reproduce. Tom brewed up a new adhesive, made from a dash
of this, a zoss of that, and most critically, one part
sodium. "You mean?" Jim said when told.
"Yes," said Tom, "They needed mono-sodium
glue to mate."
=======
A friend of mine
who commutes to work everyday through the Lincoln Tunnel
with a bunch of co- workers recently complained about
what a pain it was. I told him that he may have a bad
case of "car pool tunnel syndrome."
=======
Art
Theft
Recently a guy in
Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings
from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime,
getting in and out and past security, he was captured
only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas.
When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then
make such an obvious error, he replied: "I had no
Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
=======
AFRICAN
BOOKWORM
A man in Africa was
out taking a walk in the jungle. He found a secluded
spot, sat down, and began reading a book. Soon, however,
he had a feeling that he was being watched. He looked to
his right and there was a lion. He froze. Then he looked
to his left; you guessed it, lions were on both sides.
Suddenly, the lions jumped the man and ate him. Moral of
the story: Never read between the lions.
=======
DEAD
PARROT
An elderly woman
walked into her Vet's office carrying a bird. She said
that her bird was very sick and needed to be seen right
away. The aide showed her to an exam room and told her
that the Vet would be right in.
When the Vet came in he took one look at the bird and
told the woman that the bird looked dead. She said that
it was impossible. "Aren't you going to examine him
first." So the Vet took the bird and laid him on his
back on the table. He said, "You're bird is
dead." She replied that she wanted him to do a
thorough exam. The Vet left the room and came back
carrying in a cat. He placed the cat on the table next to
the bird. The cat walked up to the feet and sniffed. Then
he walked to the head and sniffed again. He walked to the
birds' wing and sniffed. He finally walked to the other
wing, sniffed and jumped off the table and left the room.
The Vet said "Well your bird is dead. Please go out
front and our secretary will tell you the charges."
The woman walked out to the desk and asked for a bill.
The secretary said that it was $450.00. The woman said
"$450 for what." The secretary replied
"$50 for the office visit, exam and pronouncing the
bird dead. $400.00 for the cat-scan."
=======
I pity the archeologist. His
career is in ruins.
=======
'Tis better to have loved a short
man than never to have loved a tall.
=======
Cauliflower
There was once an
old, retired couple who, in the autumn of their years
enjoyed a simple life. Mr and Mrs Green were very happy
in their country cottage, George's passion was his
vegetable patch while Martha's was to cook what her
beloved husband grew. A perfect situation. Now George was
especially proud of his cauliflower. For many years he
had cultivated and perfected a secret mulch which, when
spread around his carefully tilled cauliflower patch,
produced the largest, firmest and most tasty cauliflower
in the region. They always had the tightest, crisp, white
florets and the greenest leaves. George's usual plan was
to take his cauliflower to the regional show where they
won every cauliflower prize. Then he would bring them
home and Martha would cook them. Unsurprisingly, Martha
had perfected her cauliflower cheese to match her
husbands gardening expertise. She used the freshest
ingredients and cheese which she made herself to a recipe
that was *her* little secret. Together, they made an
immaculate dish, each component perfectly complementing
the others, truly it was food fit for the gods. Indeed,
their neighbors would never refuse a dinner invitation if
George had recently been to a show.
One year in particular, though George didn't know why,
his cauliflower were growing to a stupendous size.
Usually they were large, but this year they were huge!
George and Martha looked eagerly forward to the day when
they would be eaten. Surely they would be the best
tasting cauliflower ever, and their size would keep them
in cauliflower cheese for a long, long time. When they
finally ripened to perfection, George picked the massive
vegetables and as usual he took them to the show. The
judges were amazed! Never had they seen cauliflower so
large and yet so firm and appetizing! George won every
prize there was! Beaming with pride he returned home to
the bosom of his loving wife. As it was quite late Martha
decided to put off her culinary efforts until the next
day. She did however, prepare all the other things she
would need, this would be a mammoth task! Martha woke
early, such was her excitement, and began preparing her
cauliflower cheese. Boiling up a small portion of
George's vegetable fare until it was just right, not too
crisp, not overcooked, the aroma in her small but tidy
kitchen was wonderful. While the cauliflower cooked
Martha prepared her special sauce. George had risen by
then, and though they were both salivating with desire,
they decided to wait until supper time to sample their
joint creation, reasoning that the wait would make the
triumph all the sweeter.
George took himself to the garden, Martha cleaned the
kitchen, all day both could think of nothing else. When
supper-time finally arrived Martha had produced a
wonderful meal. Boiled new potatoes in a light butter
sauce, carrots and peas fresh from the garden, a roast
leg of lamb with mint sauce and of course, the *piece de
resistance* the cauliflower cheese. George opened an old
bottle of wine he had been saving, a good vintage year,
Martha lit candles to enhance the mood and they sat down
to dine. With a smile George proffered a forkful of
cauliflower cheese to Martha, she reciprocated with a
blush. As they remembered their honeymoon, they bit down
upon each others forks taking in the wonderful aroma.
DISASTER!!!! The cauliflower was horrible!!!! Even
Martha's expertly prepared sauce did nothing to disguise
the vileness of the vegetable!! It was so incredibly
revolting that both George and his wife could not even
swallow the one mouthful they had been so tenderly
offered. Using napkins, with as much grace as the
situation allowed, they spat out the disgusting food and
rinsed their mouths with wine. George was devastated,
this was supposed to have been so special, and it was
inedible. He was moved to tears. Martha tried to comfort
him but he was inconsolable, sobbing gently he gazed at
Martha. Look' he said ' not only can we not eat this, it
leaves ridiculous red stains' Martha looked in the mirror
and sure enough, her lips were a deep scarlet, a lovely
color spoiled only by its source.
'Never mind' Martha said, going to kiss George 'I'm sure
we can think of something' 'I doubt it' George replied
'it even makes your breath smell bad' George was not
usually this tactless, but his grief was such that he
didn't really care. Martha herself had noticed the putrid
smell on the breath of her husband, but had restrained
herself from comment. 'What are we going to do?' asked
George. 'We have so many cauliflower and they're all so
large. We can't just throw them away!' Now, Martha who
was the more thoughtful of the pair, had been been musing
and had come up with an idea. 'What about lipstick?'
'What?' 'Well given the nice color, couldn't we some how
make a lipstick and sell it? Then it wouldn't be such a
waste we might even make enough money to take a little
holiday.' 'And it would be a new and environmentally
friendly process' she added, always concerned about these
things.
'Perhaps, perhaps...' said George. So they set about
their new project, in Martha's typically organized way.
They kitchen became a research laboratory as man and wife
labored night and day. They tried many ways to reduce the
cauliflower to its staining components, and many oils and
waxes in which to fix it as a base. Many weeks of
intensive research and development followed. Countless
failures passed them by until finally they had produced
the basic lipstick component. 'Unfortunately, its a
little bit crumbly' said Martha 'Yes, and it still smells
a bit' said George 'maybe we ought to put a warning on
the packaging. I'm sure if its used carefully it'll be
OK.' 'Good idea' Martha said 'what shall we write?'
George thought for a while, considering all the problems
they had had, all the joy and pain they had gone through
to make their new product. 'I've got it' he said 'we'll
write........
<click below to find out what!>
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