My
Dear Husband,
I
am sending you this letter via this BBS
communications thing, so that you will be sure to
read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought
you should know what has been going on at home since
your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO.
The
children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a
bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an
interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for
a school project, all the figures were good, and the
back of your head is very realistic. You should be
very proud of him.
Little
Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot
like you did at that age. She is an attractive child
and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent
the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a
grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was
stormy and the electricity was out.
I
am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and
discovered that it really is more fun! George, I
mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken
an interest in my career and has become a good
friend to us all.
I
discovered that the household chores are much easier
since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed
but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house
is in good shape. I had the living room painted last
spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that
the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you
wouldn't be disturbed.
Well,
my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr.
Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and
there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper
to take care of things while we are away, she'll
keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring
your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I
hope you and the computer will have a lovely time
while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of
you often. Try to remember us while your disks are
booting.
Love,
Your Wife
=======
CREATION:
In
the beginning there was the computer. And God said :
c:\<;>Let there be light!
Enter
user id.
c:\<;>God
Enter
password.
c:\<;>Omniscient
Password
incorrect. Try again.
c:\<;>Omnipotent
Password
incorrect. Try again.
c:\<;>Technocrat
And
God logged on at 12:01 AM, Sunday
c:\<;>Let there be light!
Unrecognizable
command. Try again.
c:\<;>Create
light
Done
c:\<;>Run heaven
and earth
And
God created Day and Night. And God saw there were 0
errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Sunday.
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Monday
c:\<;>Let there be firmament in the midst of
water and light.
Unrecognizable
command. Try again.
c:\<;>Create
firmament
Done.
c:\<;>Run
firmament
And
God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0
errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Monday.
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Tuesday
c:\<;>Let the waters under heaven be gathered
together unto one place and let the dry land appear
and......
Too
many characters in specification string. Try again.
c:\<;>Create
dry_land
Done.
c:\<;>Run
firmament
And
God divided the waters. And God saw there were 0
errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Tuesday
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Wednesday
c:\<;>Create lights in the firmament to divide
the day from the night
Unspecified
type. Try again.
c:\<;>Create
sun_moon_stars
Done
c:\<;>Run
sun_moon_stars
And
God separated the light from the darkness.
The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars
ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0
errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Wednesday
And God logged on at 12:01 PM, Thursday
c:\<;>Create fish
Done
c:\<;>Create fowl
Done
c:\<;>Run
fish, fowl
And
God created the great sea monsters and every living
creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed
after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind.
And God saw there were 0 errors.
And God logged off at 11:59 PM, Thursday
And God logged on at 12:01 AM, Friday
c:\<;>Create cattle
Done
c:\<;>Create
creepy_things
Done
c:\<;>Now let us
make man in our image
Unspecified
type. Try again.
c:\<;>Create man
Done
c:\<;>Be fruitful
and multiply and replenish the earth and subdue it
and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over
the fowl of the air and over every living thing that
creepeth upon the earth -
Too
many command operands. Try again.
c:\<;>Run
multiplication
Execution
terminated. 6 errors..
c:\<;>Insert
breath
Done
c:\<;>Run
multiplication
Execution
terminated. 5 errors.
c:\<;>Move man to
Garden of Eden
File Garden of Eden
does not exist. Do you want to create Eden?
c:\<;>Create Garden.edn
Done
c:\<;>Move man to
Garden.edn
Done
c:\<;>Run
multiplication
Execution
terminated. 4 errors.
c:\<;>Copy woman
from man
Done
c:\<;>Run
multiplication
Execution
terminated. 2 errors.
c:\<;>Create
desire
Done
c:\<;>Run
multiplication
And
God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in Garden.edn
Warning:
No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Create
freewill
Done
c:\<;>Run
freewill
And
God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in Garden.eden
Warning:
No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Undo desire
Desire
cannot be undone once freewill is created.
c:\<;>Destroy
freewill
Freewill
is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\<;>Help
Desire cannot be undone
once freewill is created. Freewill is an
inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\<;>Create
tree_of_knowledge
And
God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying
in
Garden.eden
Warning:
No time limit on this run. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Create
good, evil
Done
c:\<;>Activate
evil
And
God saw he had created shame.
Warning
system error in sector E95. Man and woman not in
Garden.eden. 1 errors.
c:\<;>Scan
Garden.edn for man, woman
Search
failed.
c:\<;>Delete
shame
Shame
cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.
c:\<;>Destroy
freewill
Freewill
is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed.
Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.
c:\<;>Stop
Unrecognizable
command. Try again
c:\<;>Break
c:\<;>Break
c:\<;>Break
ATTENTION
ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING
DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF WEEKLY MAINTENANCE AND REST
IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.
c:\<;>Create new
world
You
have exceeded your allocated file space. You must
destroy old files before new ones can be created.
c:\<;>Destroy
earth
Destroy
earth: Please confirm.
c:\<;>Destroy
earth confirmed
COMPUTER DOWN COMPUTER
DOWN. SERVICES WILL RESUME MONDAY 6:00 AM. YOU MUST
SIGN OFF NOW.
And
God logged off at 11:59 PM, Friday,
On second Sunday, God created the MacIntosh.
(Or so says APPLE)
=======
ABORT,
RETRY, IGNORE
(The Raven
parody - With Apologies to Edgar Allan Poe)
Once upon a
midnight dreary, fingers cramped and vision bleary,
System manuals piled high and wasted paper on the
floor,
Longing for the warmth of bedsheets, Still I sat
there, doing spreadsheets:
Having reached the bottom line, I took a floppy from
the drawer.
Typing with
a steady hand, I then invoked the SAVE command
But got instead a reprimand: It read "Abort,
Retry, Ignore".
Was this some occult illusion? Some maniacal
intrusion?
These were choices Solomon himself had never faced
before.
Carefully, I
weighed my options. Three seemed to be the only
adoptions.
Clearly, I must now Choose: "Abort, Retry,
Ignore".
With my fingers pale and trembling, Slowly toward
the keyboard bending,
Longing for a happy ending, hoping all would be
restored,
Praying for
some guarantee Finally I pressed a key....
But on the screen what did I see? Again:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore".
I tried to catch the chips off-guard.... I pressed
again, but twice as hard.
Luck was just not in the cards, I saw what I had
seen before.
Now I typed
in desperation, Trying random combinations.
Still there came the incantation.... Choose:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore".
There I sat, distraught, exhausted, by my own
machine accosted;
Getting up, I turned away and paced across the
office floor.
And then I
saw an awful sight, A bold and blinding flash of
light,
A lightning bolt that cut the night and shook me to
my very core.
The PC screen collapsed and died, "Oh no....my
database", I cried.
I thought I heard a voice reply, "You'll see
your data....Nevermore!"
To this day
I do not know The place to which our data goes.
Perhaps it goes to Heaven where the angels have it
stored.
But as for productivity....well, I fear it has gone
straight to Hell.
And that's the tale I have to tell.... Your choice:
"Abort, Retry, Ignore".
INSTRUCTIONS
FOR
MICROSOFTS'
NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must
first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you
agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV
dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your
dinner (which would constitute an infringement of
Microsoft's rights). You may, however, let others
smell and look at your dinner and are encouraged to
tell them how good it is.
If you
have a PC microwave oven, insert the dinner into the
oven.
Set the oven using these keystrokes:
\mstv.dinn.//08.5min@@50%heat//
Then
enter:
ms//start.cook_dindin/yummy\|/yum~yum:-)gohot#cookme.
If you
want your dinner cooked in any way other than
standard, consult the accompanying 35 pound document
package for options. If you are unable to read the
document (it's in Ancient Greek), call Microsoft's
Technical support service. For a fee, they will
explain to you why you really want to use the
default cooking method.
If you
have a Mac oven, insert the dinner and press start.
The oven will set itself and cook the dinner. If you
want to cook it any way other than standard - forget
it.
If you
have a Unix oven, insert the dinner, enter the
ingredients of the dinner (mostly found on the
package label, except for a few that all experienced
Unix oven users are assumed to already know about),
the weight of the dinner in units of the equivalent
number of molecules of heavy water, and the desired
level of cooking and press start. The oven will
calculate the time and heat and cook the diner
exactly to your specification. If you want to cook
it any way other than standard, look for the nearest
experienced user and ask them - there's no
documentation available.
Be
forewarned that Microsoft dinners may crash, in
which case your oven must be restarted. This is a
simple procedure. Remove the dinner from the oven
and enter:
ms.nodamn.good/tryagain\again/againAwJus4.git.it
This
process may have to be repeated. Try unplugging the
microwave and then doing a cold reboot. If this
doesn't work, contact your hardware vendor.
Many
users have reported that the dinner tray is far too
big, larger than the dinner itself, having many
useless compartments, most of which are empty. These
are for future menu items. If the tray is too large
to fit in your oven you will need to upgrade your
equipment.
Dinners
are only available from registered outlets, and only
the chicken variety is currently produced. If you
want another variety, call Microsoft Help and they
will explain that you really don't want another
variety. Microsoft Chicken is all you really need.
Microsoft
has disclosed plans to discontinue all smaller
versions of their chicken dinners. Future releases
will only be in the larger family size. Excess
chicken may be stored for future use, but must be
saved only in Microsoft approved packaging.
Microsoft
promises a dessert with every dinner after '98.
However, that version has yet to be released. Users
have permission to get thrilled in advance.
Microsoft
dinners may be incompatible with other dinners in
the freezer, causing your freezer to self-defrost.
This is a feature, not a bug. Your freezer probably
should have been defrosted anyway.
ENJOY!!!!!!
~
Dear Tech
Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0
and noticed that the new program began unexpected
child processing that took up a lot of space and
valuable resources. No mention of this phenomenon
was included in the product brochure.
In addition, Wife 1.0 installs itself into all other
programs and launches
during system initialization, where it monitors all
other system activity.
Applications such as Pokernight 10.3, Drunken Boys
Night 2.5, and Saturday Football 5.0 no longer run,
crashing the system whenever selected. I cannot seem
to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting
to run some of my other favorite applications.
I am thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0,
but un-install does not
seem to work on Wife 1.0. Can you help me, please?
Please respond ASAP!
Thanks, Joe
============Response
From Tech-Support
Dear Joe:
This is a very common problem men complain about but
is mostly due to a primary
misconception. Many men upgrade from
Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0 with the idea that Wife
1.0 is merely a "UTILITIES &
ENTERTAINMENT" program. Wife 1.0 is
actually an OPERATING SYSTEM and designed by its'
creator to run everything.
It is unlikely you would be able to purge Wife 1.0
and convert back to
Girlfriend 7.0. Hidden operating files
within your system would cause
Girlfriend 7.0 to emulate Wife 1.0 so nothing is
gained. It is impossible
to un-install, delete, or purge the program files
from the system once
installed.
Some have tried to install Girlfriend 8.0 or Wife
2.0, but end up with
more problems than the original system. Look in your
manual under
"Warnings-Alimony/Child Support." I
recommend you keep Wife 1.0 and just deal with the
situation.
Having Wife 1.0 installed myself, I might also
suggest you read the entire
section regarding General Partnership Faults (GPFs).
You must assume all responsibility for faults and
problems that might occur, regardless of their
cause. The best course of action will be
to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE.
In any case avoid excessive use of the
"Esc" key because ultimately you
will still end up having to give the APOLOGIZE
command before the operating system will return to
normal. The system will run smoothly as long
as you take the blame for all the GPFs.
Wife 1.0 can be a great program, but is very high
maintenance.
Consider buying additional software to improve the
performance of
Wife 1.0. I recommend Flowers 2.1 and Chocolates
5.0.
Do not, under any circumstances, install Secretary
With Short Skirt 3.3. This program is not compatible
with Wife 1.0 (or Wife 2.0, or any version of
Girlfriend for that matter) and is likely to cause
irreversible damage to all of your systems
(computer and otherwise).
Best of luck.
Want
more? -
#2 ~ #3
~ #4
|
