Pirate Talk
From Jack Davis

A seaman meets a pirate in a bar, and they take turns telling of their adventures on the high seas. The seaman notes that the pirate has a peg- leg, hook, and eye patch and asks, ~"So, how did you end up with the peg-leg?"~ The pirate replies, ~"We were in a storm at sea and I was swept overboard into a school of sharks. Just as my men were pulling me out, a shark bit me leg off."~ "Wow!"~ said the seaman. ~"What about your hook?" ~ "Well ...." ~ replied the pirate, ~"We were boarding an enemy ship and were battling the other sailors with swords. One of the enemy cut me hand off." ~ "Incredible!"~ remarked the seaman. ~"And how did you get the eye patch?" ~ "A seagull dropping fell into me eye." ~ replied the pirate. ~ "You lost your eye to a seagull dropping?"~ the sailor asked incredulously. ~"Well"~ said the pirate, ~"it was me first day with the hook."

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** MENU AT THE ROADKILL CAFE **
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YOU KILL IT..............WE GRILL IT!
Meals Under Wheels
Eating food is more fun, When you know it was hit on the run!

Featuring Some of Americas Finest down-home Country Cookin!
~ * ~

ENTREES

Center Line Bovine............................4.95
(Tastes real good, straight from the hood).

The Chicken...................................3.95
(That didn't cross the road).

Flat Cat......................................2.95
(Served as a single...or in a stack.)
~

A TASTE OF THE WILD SIDE
(Still in the Hide)

Chunk of Skunk..................................1.95
Smidgen of Pigeon..............................1.95
Shake N Bake Snake.............................2.25
Swirl of Squirrel..............................1.55
Whippoorwill on a Grill........................3.30
Narrow Sparrow.................................0.55
Rigor Mortis Tortoise..........................6.75

*** Bag N Gag ***
Our daily take-out lunch special
- Anything Dead in Bread -

YOU'LL EAT LIKE A HOG.....WHEN YOU TASTE OUR DOG!

Slab of Lab....................................2.95
Pit Bull Pot Pie...............................1.95
Cocker Cutlets.................................3.95
Shar-pel Filet.................................5.95
Poodles-N-Noodles..............................5.95
Snippet of Whippet.............................4.50
Collie Hit by a Trolley........................3.95
German Shepherd Pie............................3.95
Round of Hound.................................4.25

*** GUESS THAT MESS ***
A Daily Special Treat ~ If you can guess what it is
YOU EAT IT FOR FREE!

*** ***

LATE NIGHT DELIGHT
(Served fresh each night after dark)

Rack of Raccoon................................3.95
Smear of Deer..................................4.95
Awesome Possum.................................1.95
Cheap Sheep....................................0.43

WASH THAT GOOD FOOD DOWN WITH SOMETHING TO DRINK

Snake Shake....................................1.25
Vanilla Armidilla..............................1.25
(strained or unstrained)
Armadillo Sasbarilla...........................1.25

TITILLATE YOUR TASTE BUDS WITH THESE GREAT DESERTS

Frog Lime Pie..................................2.25
Road Toad a la Mode............................1.65
Pineapple Porcupine Split......................2.25

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AFTER EATING AT THE ABOVE CAFE'
YOU MAY WISH TO CONSULT THE FOLLOWING GAS-IDENTIFICATION LIST....

All gasses are divided into two primary groups:
1. Your gasses ~ 2. Somebody Elses' gasses

THE ANTICIPATED GAS:
This one warns that it is back there waiting for some time before it arrives. A person who is uneasy for a time in a crowd and who later gasses at a time when they think no one will notice, passes "Anticipated Gas"

THE BACK SEAT GAS :
This is a gas that occurs only in automobiles. It is identified chiefly by odor. Secondarily, you can spot this one by a passenger who says something like "Did we run over a skunk or something back there?" just before anyone else in the car notices the smell. The Back Seat Gas can usually be concealed by traffic noise as it is an eased-out gas and not very loud. But its odor is so foul(!) and will give it away, due to the way air moves around in a car. And then someone will say, who gassed in the back seat?

THE BARRED OWL GAS:
A familiarity with owl calls is helpful in identifying this gas. Almost any morning if you get up just before daybreak you can hear one of these birds talking to himself. It's a sort of a crazy laugh, particularly the way it ends. If you hear a gas that has about eight notes in it, ending on a couple of down notes, and it sounds maniacal, you have heard the rare Barred Owl Gas.

THE BULLET GAS:
Its single and most pronounced diagnostic characteristic is its sound. It sounds like a rifle shot. The gasser can be said to have snapped it off. It has been known to startle spectators and gassers alike. Fairly common following the eating of the more common gas foods, such as beans.

THE HOSTILE-DEFENSIVE GAS:
This one is owned by the gasser who becomes indignant when anyone objects or comments upon the event, usually with saying something like "Well! What did you want me to do? Let it crowd up around my heart and kill me?"

THE COMMAND GAS:
This gas differs from the Anticipated Gas in that it can be held for long periods of time waiting for the right moment. Unlike the Anticipated Gas, it is intended to be noticed. Often student-related, such as Harold Tabor who recently held a Command Gas for the whole period in history class and let it go right at the end when the teacher asked if there were any questions.

THE COMMON GAS:
This gas needs little description. It is to the world of gasses what the house sparrow is to the world of birds. I can see no point in describing this gas any further.

THE CUSHIONED GAS:
A concealed gas, sometimes successful. The gasser is usually on the fat side, sometimes a girl. They will squirm and push their butt way down into the cushions of a sofa or over-stuffed chair and ease-out a gas very carefully without moving then or for some time after. Some odor may escape, but usually not much. Unless you happen to sit right down in the same spot shortly after the surreptitious event. Common with some people. Very common.

THE ECHO GAS:
This is a gas that can be wrongly identified. It is not some great loud gas in an empty gym or on the rim of the Grand Canyon. The true Echo Gas is a gas that makes its own echo. It is a two-toned gas, the first tone loud, then a pause, and then the second tone. Like an echo..... see-whut-I-mean?

THE G AND L GAS:
This is one of the most ordinary and pedestrian of gasses, known to everyone. Certainly it is the least gross. If you have not already guessed, G and L stands for Gambled and Lost. (tried to hide it or slip it out quietly and it didn't work out that way.) One of the most embarrassing of all gasses, even when you are alone.

THE GHOST GAS:
A doubtful gas in most cases, as it is supposed to be identified by odor alone and to occur, for instance, in an empty house. You enter and smell a gas, yet no one is there. People will insist that only a gas could have that odor, but some believe it is just something that happens to smell like a gas.

THE HIC-HACHOO-GAS GAS:
This is strictly an old lady's gas. What happens is that the person manages to hiccough, sneeze, and gas all at the same time. After an old lady gasses a Hic-Hachoo-Gas Gas she will usually pat her chest and say, "My, my", or "Well, well". There is no reason she should not be proud, as this is probably as neat an old persons' gas as there is.

THE JERK GAS:
The Jerk Gas is a gas by a jerk who smirks, smiles, grins, and points to himself in case you missed it. It is usually a single-noted, off-key, fading away, sort of whistle gas, altogether pitiful, but the jerk will act as if he has just passed the Biggest gas in the World Gas.

THE JOHN GAS:
The John Gas is simply any ordinary gas gasses on the john. It is naturally a group one identification, with the sound, whatever it was, somewhat muffled. If it is all the persons' trip to the john amounted to he will be disappointed for sure. Common as pigeons.

THE LEAD GAS:
The heaviest of all gasses. It sounds like a dropped ripe watermelon. Or a falling body in some cases. It is the only gas that goes thud. Except for the odor, which is also very heavy, it could be missed altogether as a gas. What was that, you might think? And never guess that it was gas.

THE MALTED MILK BALL GAS:
Odor alone is diagnostic and positively identifies this gas. It smells exactly like malted milk balls. No other food works this way. It is rare. Definitely a preferable variety if you're one to pass gass.

THE OH MY GOD GAS:
This is the most awful and dreadful stinking of all gasses. A gas that smells like a month-old rotten egg known as the Oh-My-God-Gas. It is believed that the name might have been derived from when our ancestral-gassers possibly utterred a quick, apologetic prayer for forgiveness which has today been shortened to the slang form given here. If you should ever encounter it, however, you may first want to say, oh compost, which would be understandable.

THE OMEN GAS:
This is the adult version of the Poo-Poo Gas. About the only difference is that the gasser will not say anything. He will just look kind of funny and head for the john. This one is easy to spot if you pay attention.

THE ORGANIC GAS:
Sometimes called the Health Food Nut Gas. The person who gasses an Organic Gas may be talking about the healthy food he eats even when he gasses. If he is heavily into health foods he may even ask if you noticed how good and pure and healthy his gas smells. It may smell to you like any other gas, but there is no harm in agreeing with him. He is doing what he thinks is best.

THE QUIVER GAS:
A group one identification gas only. When you gas, it quivers. If it tickles, then it is the Tickle Gas. If you have to scratch it, then it is the Scratchass Gas.

THE RAMBLING PHADUKA GAS:
You must not be fooled by its pretty-sounding name, as this is one of the most frightening of all gasses. It is frightening to gasser and spectator alike. It has a sound of pain to it. What is most diagnostic about it, however, is its length. It is the longest-lasting gas there is. It will sometimes leave the gasser unable to speak. As though he has had the wind knocked out of him. A strong, loud, wavering gas, it goes on for at least fifteen seconds.

THE RELIEF GAS:
Sound or odor don't matter on this one. What matters is the tremendous sense of relief that you have finally [assed these gasses. Some people will even say, "Wow, what a relief". Very common. V-E-R-Y!!!

THE GIGGLE GAS:
This gas is very similar to several of the other gasses identified here, except that the gasser, upon seeing the reaction of others to the product of his internal fermentation, finds it so funny to watch them looking around to identify the source, that he or she begins to laugh. It usually begins with a soft little stifled snicker and quickly becomes a helpless giggle which cannot be contained, for the harder they try, the funnier the whole situation appears to them and they have even been known to actually cry (which happens when the pressure of their hand against their mouth fails to stem the giggling and the subsequent back-pressure against their tear ducts causes tears to begin running down their face. It is not actually a ~true crying, but it does look like it!). The giggling and even the tears have been known to be highly contagious in certain situations.

THE RELUCTANT GAS:
This is probably one of the oldest gasses known to man. The Reluctant Gas is a gas that seems to have a mind of its' own. It gives the impression that it likes staying where it is. It will come when it is ready, not before. This can take half-a-day in some instances.

THE RUSTY GATE GAS:
The sound of this gas seems almost impossible for a gas. Is is the most dry and squeaky sound a gas can make. The Rusty Gate Gas sounds as if it would have worked a lot easier if it had been oiled. It sounds like a gas that hurts.

THE S.B.D. GAS:
S.B.D. stands for Silent But Deadly. This is no doubt one of the most common gasses that exists. No problem of identification with this one.

THE SANDPAPER GAS:
This one scratches. Otherwise it may not amount to much. You should remember though, that if you reach back and scratch, it automatically becomes a Scratchass Gas. It also reveals you as the gasser. Common.

THE SKILLSAW GAS:
A truly awesome gas. It vibrates the gasser. Really shakes him up. People back away. It sounds like an electric skillsaw ripping through a piece of half-inch plywood. Very impressive. Not too common. I think it must also hurt, at least temporarily.

THE SONIC BOOM GAS:
The people who believe in this gas claim it is even bigger than the Biggest Gas In The World Gas. The Sonic Boom Gas is supposed to shake the house and rattle the windows. This is ridiculous. No gas in the world shakes houses and rattles windows. A gas that could do that would put the gasser into orbit or blow his crazy head off. It is suspected that it may be common to the YETI (Bigfoot) species. First time I meet one, I will ask about it.

THE SPLATTER GAS:
Unfortunately the Splatter Gas exists. It is the wettest of all gasses. It probably should not be called a gas at all. More like an accident.... I tend to think of it as "THE OOPPS! GAS" myself.

THE STUTTER GAS:
If you think stuttering is funny, this is a very funny gas.
It is a gas that can't seem to get going. The sound is best described as pt,pt,pt,pt,pt-pt-pt,pop,pop-pop-pop-POW! It is usually a forced-out fart that gets caught crossways, as they say, and only gets gassed out after considerable effort and unless alone, is rather humiliating in that it reveals what a difficult time you have doing such a common thing.

THE TACO BELL GAS:
The Taco Bell gas is far richer and full-bodied than your ordinary Junk Gas and takes longer to build up. Sometimes hours or even a day. But it will get there. And it will hang around after, too, even on a windy day.

THE TEFLON GAS:
Slips out without a sound and no strain at all. A very good gas in situations where you would rather not gas at all. You can be talking to someone and not miss saying a word. If the wind is right he will never know.

THE THANK GOD I'M ALONE GAS:
Everyone knows this rotten gas. You look around after you have gasses and say Thank God I'm alone. Then you get out of there yourself.

THE TICKLE GAS:
A group one only and one of the easiest to identify. Usually a slow soft sort of gas. If you like being tickled this is the gas for you.

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BLAME THE DOG
(poor Rover!)

This guy had a big crush on a girl for a long time and finally got up nerve to ask her out. He wanted it to be perfect. They went to eat and a show, and as he was driving her home, he was getting gas pains. He didn't want to do anything with her around. He held it and thought that as soon as he dropped her off at home, he would let go. They drove up to the house and the porch light was on. She said that meant her parents waned to meet him. He was getting very nervous...the pain was getting worse. He went in with her and there was a dog lying on the floor. He thought... if I stand there and let some out...they will think it is the dog. Hmmmm? He went over and let a little out...the mother said, "Rover!" He thought...boy, it's working...and let out a little more. Mother said louder, "Rover!" Since it was working...he let it all go. The mother said, "Rover, get over here right now before he sh-ts on you!"