DOWN
UNDER
A little boy
comes in and says to his mother, "Is it true that we
come from dust and return to dust?" ~ "That's
what the Bible says," she answered. ~ "Well,
then, somebody is either coming or going under my
bed," he said
~~~ * ~~~
BIRTH
COACH
An old county
doctor went way out to the boondocks to deliver a baby.
It was so far out that there was no electricity. When the
doctor arrived, no one was home except for the laboring
mother and her 5 year old child.
The doctor instructed the child to hold a lantern high so
he could see while he helped the woman deliver the baby.
The child did so, the mother pushed, and after a little
while, the doctor lifted the new born baby by the feet
and spanked him on the bottom to get him to take his
first breath.
"Hit him again," the child said.
"He shouldn't have
crawled up there in the first place!!"
~~~ * ~~~
A new
teacher was trying to make use of her psychology
courses. She started her class by saying, "Everyone
who thinks you're stupid, stand up!" After a few
seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said,
"Do you think you're stupid, Little Johnny?"
...
"No, ma'am, but I hate to see you standing there all
by yourself!"
The
kindergartners were now in the first grade.
Their teacher wanted them to be more grown up since they
were no longer in kindergarten. She told them to use
grown-up words instead of baby words. She then asked them
to tell her what they did during the summer. The first
little one said he went to see his Nana. The teacher
said, "No, No, you went to see your grandmother. Use
the grown-up word." The next little one said she
went for a trip on a choo-choo. The teacher again said,
"No, No, you went on a trip on a train. That's the
grown-up word." Then the teacher asked the third
one, Little Johnny, what he did during the summer. He
proudly stated that he read a book. The teacher asked
what book he had read. Johnny puffed out his chest and in
a very adult way replied,
"Winnie the Sh-t!"
ADDRESSED
TO GOD
A letter written
in childish scrawl came to the post office addressed to
"God". A postal employee, not knowing exactly
what to do with the letter, opened it and read:
"Dear God, my name is Jimmy. I am six years old. My
father is dead, and my mother is having a hard time
raising me and my sister.
Would you please send us $500.00?"
The postal employee was touched. He showed the letter to
his fellow workers, and all decided to kick in a few
dollars and send it to the family.
They were able to raise $300.00
A couple of weeks later, they received a second letter.
The boy thanked God but ended with this request:
"Next time, would you please deliver the money
directly to our home? If you send it through the post
office, they deduct $200.00."
~~~ * ~~~
**********************
Toddler Property Laws
**********************
If
I like it, it's mine.
If
it's in my hand, it's mine.
If
I can take it from you, it's mine.
If
I had it a little while ago, it's mine.
If
it's mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
If
I'm doing or building something,
ALL
the pieces are mine.
If
it looks just like mine, it IS mine.
If
I saw it first, it's mine.
If
you are playing with something and you put it down,
it automatically becomes mine.
If
it's broken, it's YOURS.
Letter
Home From Summer Camp
Dear Mom &
Dad:
We are having a
great time here at Lake Typhoid. Scoutmaster Webb is
making us all write to our parents in case you saw the
flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents
and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us
got drowned because we were all up on the mountain
looking for Chad when it happened. Oh yes, please call
Chads' mother and tell her he is OK. He can't write
because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search & rescue jeeps. It
was neat. We never would have found him in the dark if it
hadn't been for the lightning. Scoutmster Webb got mad at
Chad for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Chad said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so
he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put
gas on a fire, the gas can will blow up? The wet wood
still didn't burn, but one of our tents did. Also some of
our clothes. John is going to look weird until his hair
grows back.
We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Webb gets the
car fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The
brakes worked OK when we left. Scoutmaster Webb said that
a car that old you have to expect something to break
down; that's probably why he can't get insurance on it.
We think it's a neat car. He doesn't care if we get it
dirty, and if its hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the
tailgate. It gets pretty hot with 10 people in a car. He
let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway
patrolman stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Webb is a
neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he
is teaching Terry how to drive. But he only lets him
drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any
traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.
This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks
and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Webb wouldn't
let me because I can't swim and Chad was afraid he would
sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe
across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of
the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster
Webb isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even
get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of
time working on the car so we are trying not to cause him
any trouble.
Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit
badges. When Dave dove in the lake and cut his arm, we
got to see how a tourniquet works.
Also Wade and I threw up. Scoutmaster Webb said it
probably was just food poisoning from the leftover
chicken. I have to go now. We are going into town to mail
our letters and buy bullets.
Don't worry about anything. We are fine.
Love, Your son
P.S. How long has it been since I had a
tetanus shot?
A
three-year-old boy went with his dad to see a new litter
of kittens.
On returning home, he breathlessly informed his mother,
"There
were two boy kittens and two girl kittens."
"How
did you know that?" his mother asked.
"Daddy
picked them up and looked underneath," he replied.
"I
think it's printed on the bottom."
MULTIPLE
BIRTHING
The Stewarts'
lived rather isolated on a farm in Scotland. When Mrs.
Stewart went into labor in the middle of the night, the
doctor came to the farm to deliver her child. Mr Stewart
had never been present at a delivery before and was
obviously in a state of high anxiety. To keep the nervous
father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and
said, ~ "Here, you hold this high so I can see what
I'm doing." ~ Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into
the world. ~ "Whoa there Scotty!" ~ said the
doctor. ~ "Don't be in a rush to put the lantern
down...I think there's yet another wee one to come."
~ Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a bonnie
lass. ~"No, no, don't be in a great hurry to be
putting down that lantern, lad...It seems there's yet
another one besides!"~ cried the surprised doctor.
The Scot scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked
the doctor. "Do ye think it's this light that's attractin' `em
doc?"
First
Grade PROVERBS
A
first-grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs.
She gave each child in her class the first half of a
proverb, and had them come up with the rest.
As
you shall make your bed so shall you...............mess
it up.
Better
be safe than...........................punch a 5th
grader.
Strike
while the ...................................bug is
close.
It's
always darkest before.................daylight savings
time.
You
can lead a horse to water
but............................how?
Don't
bite the hand that.............................looks
dirty.
A
miss is as good as
a........................................Mr.
You
can't teach an old dog
new..............................math.
If
you lie down with the dogs, you'll.......stink in the
morning.
The
pen is mightier than
the................................pigs.
An
idle mind is............................the best way to
relax.
Where
there's smoke,
there's...........................pollution.
Happy
the bride who........................gets all the
presents.
A
penny saved is........................................not
much.
Two's
company, three's............................the
musketeers.
Laugh
and the whole world laughs with you, cry and....
you have to blow your nose.
Children
should be seen and not..............spanked or grounded.
When
the blind leadeth the blind..............get out of the
way.
