SUMMER CAMP (The long way home from....)

It took almost a week for Bubba to get home from summer camp! He started out riding home with the parents of a friend who had attended with him, but at the first rest stop, they drove off and left him! He walked for a while until someone offered him a ride.... and again, the same thing happened when they stopped at a restaurant and he went to use the restroom. This continued for days and he ended up walking a good deal of the way. When he arrived home, his parents were beside themselves wondering where he was.... until he explained to them what kept happening when he would go to the restrooms, see the signs that said "clean restrooms".... and no one would wait for him while he did!

X-RAY GLASSES

Bubbas' uncle Jack went to the local novelty shop and found a pair of x-ray glasses. "What a neat thing!" he exclaimed to the clerk, "Do they really work?" "Well sure.... all you have to do is slip them on and look through them.... See for yourself!" Sure enough, they did just what they said! Delighted, he paid the clerk and left. On his way home, Jack put on his new x-ray glasses and, bingo! He saw everyone around him naked. He took them off for a moment, and everyone had their clothes on. Puts the glasses back on... everyone is naked! "Cool!" he said. He arrived home, eager to show his new toy to his wife but couldn't find her. Wearing his new glasses, Jack went up to the bedroom and found his wife and the postman, naked in bed. Immediately, he took the glasses off and looked again. The two were still naked. He put them back on, and they are still naked. He did it twice more and then exclaimed, "Gosh, I just paid fifty bucks for these things and they're already broken! Wonder if they are guaranteed?"

SWIM COMPETITION

Bubba learned to swim last year and was so good at it that he decided to enter the Breast stroke division of an English Channel swim competition. He came in five hours after the others, finally reached shore, completely exhausted. After being revived with blankets and coffee, he was heard to mumble "I don't want to sound like a sore loser, but I think the others cheated, I could swear - they were all using their arms!"

NO HOAX!

Bubba and Joe were traveling down the road in their pulp wood truck, they saw a large sign on the side of the road which read :
"FREE SEX WITH GASOLINE FILL UP".
Joe said to Bubba "Let's stop and fill 'er up and we might win!". They pulled in and told the attendant to "Fill 'er up!". When the tank was full, Joe said to the guy, "What about the sign there - about free sex?, Is it for real?". "YUP, but you must pick a number from 1 to 10". Joe says "two". The guy reached into his pocket, pulled out a number and said "Nope sorry... you don't win, the number is 5". Then Bubba said "Let me try, I own half the truck so I should qualify too!". "OKAY", says the proprietor, "Pick a number". Joe said "Four". "Sorry....", said the man after pulling another number from his pocket, "the number is seven, you lose too". Joe and Bubba got in the truck and started on down the road. Joe said, "Hey, I figured it out! That was just a gimmick to get people to fill up there with gasoline. It's a hoax, they don't really give away free sex!" Bubba said, "Oh no, you're wrong it's no hoax! No indeedy! I know for a fact(!) cause I was with my wife when she filled up there twice last month and she won both times!."

BUBBA-SPY

Bubba read about the exciting life of being a government spy. He was really enthusiastic about it - free travel all over the world, good pay, job security and great benefits. He decided to go to the three week training course which would determine whether he was suitably equipped for the job, physically and psychologically. On the last day of the course, their trainer hands each one of them guns and says" Now this is your final test. You have to prove that you are willing to obey whatever you are told to do. Pass this test and you're ~In~, fail it, and you're out. Privately, he takes each man in turn aside and tells him, you have to walk in there and kill your wife". The first man says thinks about it a minute, then says, "Okay man, I can do this.." So he walks into the house and there's dead silence for a couple of minutes. The he returns, crying, and says "Can't do it man, can't do it".
So the trainer says the same thing to the second man, and he too says, "All right, I'll kill er', I can do it!". He walks in and again there's a long, dead silence for a couple of minutes. Then he too walks back out teary eyed and says "Sorry, I couldn't do, just couldn't. I don't see how you can expect us to....."
Never mind the excuses, the trainer growled. He then took Bubba by the arm and hands him the gun... "Okay, you know what to do. Walk into the house and kill your wife". Without hesitation, Bubba says "Okay, I'll do it. If that's what I have to do, I'll do it then!" He walks into the house and right away, "BANG, BANG, BANG.... BANG!!!!". Then strange sounds came from the house, obviously, a struggle is going on and it isn't an easy one either.... Chairs were heard toppling over, glass breaking - grunts and groans and other strange sounds ("UrrGggHHhhggggggrrrrhhhhsssss..."), just before it finally grows silent. Then they heard the footsteps, and Bubba walks out all disheveled, face scratched and bleeding, shirt torn.... sweat running down his face and soaking the back of his shirt and underarms..... He walks over to the trainer and hands him the gun.... saying, "Someone loaded the gun with blanks... so I had to strangle her!"

Bubba got a real good job at the new M&M candy factory that opened up - but it didn't last long... They fired him for throwing away all the M&Ms that said "W."

Bubba Events....

* When it came to the bit on the form that said "sign" he wrote "Sagittarius"
* When he graduated from nursery he was so excited!
* Once someone offered him a penny for his thoughts and wanted change!
* He invented a new type of parachute - it opens on impact!
* He thought Taco Bell was a Mexican phone company!
* He sold his car for gasoline money!
*He can't count to 20 with his shoes on!
*He wanted to see what he looked like sleeping so, he stood in front of the mirror with his eyes shut.
* He began to lose weight on his new job when his boss stopped letting him go to lunch because it took too long to retrain him when he got back!
* He bought his own moving van because he heard that most accidents happen with 3 miles of home and he's been moving (to new homes) ever since.
* Scientists, trying to build the ultimate moron; are using him as their blueprint!
* Brains aren't everything. In his case they're nothing!
* He claims he has an open mind; if you ask me its just vacant!
* He doesn't know his own mind - but he hasn't missed much!
* He speaks his mind - but it limits the conversation!
* Men like him don't grow on trees - they swing from them!
* He called himself a wit - well he was half right!
* He had an accident at work today - he was struck by a thought!

Poor Bubba, finally made it to high school and the first day there, was embarrassed by the teacher when she said - "Bubba, you have your shoes on the wrong feet!" He assured her it wasn't his fault ....  "But Ma'am, these are the only feet I've got!"

AIRPORT DISAPPEARANCE

Bubbas' aunt Bea was due in from the west coast, so he offered to pick her up at the airport. Hours later he returned home without her. His mother was waiting on the porch and rushed out to his truck as soon as it came to a stop... "Bubba!!!! My sister has called three times now! Where have you been? Your daddy was already gone to work, so I told her to take a cab.... But I've been worried sick....we were afraid that you had been in an accident or something!" "Well, did she say where the airport is NOW?" ~ "Why, whatever do you mean? You've been going out to that airport all your life! You know where it is!" ~ "Well, I knew where it WAS, but there was a big new sign up where we always turn in to go there and it said AIRPORT LEFT, but it didn't say nothing about where it went and I couldn't even find anyone who knew it was gone yet, much less tell me where it went!"

DEODORANT PURCHASE

Bubbas' dad sent him to the store to pick up a few things. The clerk, seeing him standing there looking at all the various deodorants, looking confused, goes over to help him.... "Are you looking for a particular brand?" "Well, I don't know - but I think I remember what the bottle looked like so I was trying to find it that way. "Well, they change the packaging now and then... but we can probably find something suitable. "Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk. ~ "Oh, no, Sir..... He only uses it under his arms!"

LETTER TO BUBBA FROM HIS MOTHER

Dear Son,
I am writing this slow, 'cause I know you can't read fast.
We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper where the most accidents happened within twenty miles of home, so we moved out here to your dads' family-homeplace. I won't be able to send you the address, cause his folks took the numbers with them when they moved into town there, they needed them for for their new house, so they wouldn't have to change their address.    ~   This place has a washing machine. The first day I put four shirts in it and pulled the chain, and haven't seen 'em since. It only rained twice this week, three days the first time and four days the second time.   ~   About that coat you wanted me to send you, Aunt Sue says, "It would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with those heavy buttons," so we cut them off and put them in the pockets.   ~   We got a bill from the funeral home. Said, if we didn't make the last payment on Grandma's bill, up she comes.    ~   About your sister, she had a baby this morning. I haven't found out whether it is a girl or a boy, so I don't know if you are an aunt or an uncle.   ~   Three of your friends went off the bridge in a pickup. One was driving, the other two were in the back. The driver got out. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two drowned when they couldn't get the tailgate down.

Not much more news this time. Nothing much has happened.

Love, Mom

Golf Balls

Wanting to improve his golf game an avid golfer was trying everything he could buy to increase the distance of his drive. He had gotten new clubs, a wrist support, a video tape on techniques and personal instruction from the club pro. Nothing seemed to get the extra distance he was expecting. On a visit to the sporting goods store he decided to get more information on the only thing he had overlooked, the golf ball. Walking over to the golf section he came upon Bubba, who was actually looking for ping pong balls and was marveling over the dimpled surface of the golf ball he had in his hand. Thinking that Bubba was a sales person, he approached him and asked, "What can you tell me about golf balls?", he asked. Bubba frowned in consternation and thought a bit and then, shaking his head he replied, " Well, I don't know anything about golf balls, but if it's anything like tennis elbow, I bet it hurts it really must hurt Real bad!!!"

PIZZA DELIVERY

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Bubbas' trailer house. Bubba asked: ~ "What is the usual tip?" ~ "Well," ~replied the youth, ~ "this is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great." ~ "Is that so?" ~ snorted Bubba. ~ "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars." ~ "Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."~ "What are you studying?" ~ asked Bubba. The lad smiled and said: ~ "Applied psychology."~

WILL HE JUMP?

Bubba was sitting next to a traveling salesman in the local bar, watching the 6 O'clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge. The salesman offered a bet of $50 that he wouldn't jump. Bubba took him up on it and laid out his money on the bar. Sure enough, he jumped, so Bubba pushed the money toward the salesman. Feeling a bit guilty, the salesman shook his head and pushed it back to Bubba, saying.... "I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O'clock news, so I.....can't take your money". "You did?" exclaimed Bubba, surprised, "I did too.... but I never thought he'd jump again!"

WATCHING THE CLOCK

Henry, John and Bubba all worked together at a factory.
Everyday they noticed that their boss leaves work a little early. So one day they meet together and decided that the next day, when the boss leaves, they'll all leave early too. ~"Who's to know?" ~ Next day, when the boss left, so did they. One goes home and takes a nap, one goes home and cooks a special dinner. Bubba goes home and walks to his bedroom. He opens the door and sees his wife in bed with his boss so he shuts the door and leaves. The next day the three are talking, John and Henry say that they plan to go home early again. When Bubba didn't say anything, they asked him if he will be leaving early again too, he shook his head most emphatically and said "No!" They asked him why not and he said, "Because yesterday I almost got caught!"

Bubba & his Twin Brother (Dufus)

Bubba was walking through town yesterday carrying a bag from the butcher-shop.   He ran into his brother, Dufus who said, ~"Bubba, what you got in that bag?"~ Bubba replied, ~ "In this bag here I got me some chickens."
Dufus: "Chickens! I sure would like some fresh chicken. I bet you if I guess how many chickens you got in that thar bag you give me one..."~
Bubba thought for a minute and then said, " Dufus, if you guess how many chickens I got in this bag I'll give you both of 'em"
Dufus: "ummm . . .uhhhhhhh. . . 5?" ~ Bubba: "Nope!"

SHIPWRECKED

Bubba and his wife went on a small fishing-boat excursion with two other couples. A storm came up and before they could get safely back, the boat capsized. By morning they found that only the handsome young captain, Bubba and his wife remained alive. There was an island not far from them and they set out for it at once. Weeks went by.... not a sign of rescue! Fortunately there were fruits and berries and they managed to spear fish to cook and the three of them were surviving pretty well. It was rather boring, for after a while they ran out of conversation to exchange and began to wonder if they would ever be found and returned to civilization. One morning the handsome young captain sailor climbed a tall coconut tree and yelled, "Stop making love down there!" Bubba was astounded - had the man lost his mind? "What's the matter with you?" he called up to him, we've been all over this island and you know there aren't any other people here!" ~ I thought I saw you and your wife, right out there in the open making love in front of me! You could at least go be private about it!" ~ "We weren't making love." replied Bubba. ~ "Sorry," said the captain, "from up here it looked as if you were!"
A few more weeks went by... and just about every morning and sometimes in the evening too, the captain would climb up to see if he could spot a boat or any activity in the waters around them. More often than not, he would yell down the same words of accusation, and Bubba would assure him once again that they were not making love and the captain would apologize about mistaking what it looked like from up that high in the tree.
One morning, the captain asked Bubba if he would climb the tree and lookout for a while, "After all - we really should take turns, it would be more fair, don't you think?" So Bubba agreed and that evening, with great difficulty, he made his way to the top the of the tree and looked all around and then down at the ground, "Well I'll ~be!" he exclaimed, "He was right! It does look as if they're making love down there!"

~