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I
love you Eric. My whole life was changed at your
appearance, in so many ways - because something so
special happened. And I - I don't even have words
for it... don't know them myself. I just know that
there is a bond and a joy and fulfillment that came
with you. It sounds funny to say this about a son -
but.... you helped me to know that men can be more
than the kind of men I knew growing up! That a man
could be deep, wise, witty, gentle and caring.....
all those things without fearing or sacrificing his
manhood to do so.
So
much like my beloved Grandpappy you were. I lost him
so young as a child. I lost you so young as a mother
& son. So soon to give you up.... So many years
that I potentially must go on without you. (who
knows though - perhaps not so many?) In your
leaving..... my life has changed once again, changed
in a way (ways) that..... well...
there
IS good and bad in ALL things!
I
will never again be that person that I was - far
from it in fact. There is a constant aching
emptiness. Something of me, died with you, Eric.
What I am, and what my life is today and will be for
whatever tomorrows will be assigned to me - is going
to be different, is going to be more because you
were here, and less because you are no longer.
The
memorial light here shines from dusk till dawn - but
your light will shine always and forever in and from
within, my spirit. Peace and joy..... oh yes. I
longed and longed, even prayed for them for you...
but I was, of course, thinking of your finding it
here..... in this time and place. But then Do any of
us ever, really ...? here....? There are always, in
each persons' life and experience.... events and
circumstances that trouble and seek to destroy it. ~
Now though - you have it. ~ Perfectly! Answered
prayer... Yes ~ but at - Oh, what a price (for
me....) For that price, is my being here without
you. One thing I can say though - I am willing to
pay the price for having loved you and for having
you be taken from me ..... to there.... Yes! ~ Where
you are is worth where I am and what I feel at being
here.... I too, will be `there' one day and
all this will not even be worthwhile to recall.....
I
would not want you, "looking down here",
to see my grief and suffering at your leaving......
but I do hope, that with you there,
is the memory of how fervently and completely I
loved and love you, my son! I am certain that the
`works tested by fire'.... will be those of loving
and so, perhaps that has gone with you. A part of
me....
I will love you always....
When
I go to Freesoul Rock - I sit or stand there and
feel so close to you and to my own destiny (to
joining you in the kingdom).... There is that sense
of freedom and serenity - that nearness of heaven -
and it fills me with strong awareness of your
everlasting peace. ~ The best, and most comforting
feeling/thought - is that you now know God Himself -
that you no longer suffer the delusions and
disillusionment of men who claim to represent Him...
No more hypocrisy or sense of being a stranger in a
strange land.
I've
come to realize that the comfort and peace
that come to me up there on that Rock - is simply
the association of my own coming release... It is
knowing that this life is Not forever! I too will
leave it when He is ready for me to do so.... That
is a great reassurance - it keeps me able to push on
and endure.... Compared to Eternity - this is but a
tiny little space of time - and will be forgotten
when it ends.... Eric, my beloved son, You are.....
Face to face with Him now! Seeing our Heavenly
Father ~ Who He is! ~ What He is.!..
How
could I wish anything else or more for you?
A
thousand times now my soul has whispered to
me of His mercifulness in your death! Not only for
you - but for me. In just the blink of an eye....
without terror, fear, pain or agony of any last
moments in physical pain, no lingering even for
seconds.... - He is truly a wonderful and most
loving and merciful God! I know not why He has
chosen for you to go and for me to stay here... but
I do know that through you, I became ever closer to
Him. You are with me now. You influence all my
thoughts, feelings and behaviors. Your mark upon my
life is a permanent one - and as I mark the lives of
others - you have a part in that too! And so, even
as I sit here, sleepless and aching with the
emptiness of your absence from my life.... I can and
I do say -
~~~AMEN,
My Abba, Amen~~~
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*At
Christmas-time -96, I found the star fixture
pictured here - and inside burns a little 7 watt
nite-light bulb and it has burned round the clock
from that day unto this writing 1/24/99 without ever
being replaced! I check that light each night at
dusk - expecting that one evening it will need a
replcement - but so far - it burns perpetually!
