following is perceptual relevant to where I was and
to the degree of brokenness which I had come to. I
think of it as the *Me against the world* stage when
I took a long evaluative look in examining my life
and relationships (all relationships in such a
family are dysfunctional and survival oriented...)
and tried to identify where all the pieces of my
life were, (like a puzzle thrown on the
floor, pieces scattered everywhere - some right side
up and some upside down and my life was exactly like
that) - I first needed to turn them
all right side up so I could see them, sort
them out, and then begin to put them together
After the call to the Etna station on Friday, and discovering that Diane was with Roger and they had gone to the Chesapeake Bay, - I began to cry, then scream/wail as I moved around in a crazy, erratic way, everywhere, kind of running/pacing - desperately going in circles, rocking back and forth - shaking my head violently while crying out hundreds, no probably thousands of "No, no, no, no, no, no, nooooooooooooooo"s... for I realized in that blinding flash of ~reality~ - that this was why he'd wanted those summer shirts from the closet - and the worst agony of realization was that a night had passed and he'd spent it with another woman... my worst fears had already taken place... but the WORST of it was that he had made love to ME so beautifully the night before... dear God... BEFORE!!! - KNOWING that he was about to do that !!!!! How could he???? I believe/know his capability for unfaithfulness - but how could he make love to ME that way and then go to another woman? Not that this fact made a lot of difference - for the infidelity itself was more than I could bear anyway... to be sure! But there was something just so stark and incredible about him being with me in every way - all night, knowing he was meeting her in the morning to fulfill their plans and preparations to be together!!!! What did that say about ~US~? It was all washing up and over me like a gigantic tide - this stark reality.... I was drowning in a sea of all kinds of pictures and words in my mind... statements of friends who tried to tell me about Diane - and my defending him with the ~"friendship and spiritual counseling"~ story he'd been feeding me about what was going on... (in their ~friendship-only relationship) and my believing it and even feeling good that he could help someone!!!!! Oh - how I loathed my stupidity and weakness!!!!!!!
Eric became frantic. One or both or us talked to Peach, (at work). And Jeanne. And Charlie and Kathy who had to come get Brandi up out of bed and take her to their apartment.
It's a blur of craziness.... some talking, a lot of uncontrollable crying and violent gagging - I might even have thrown up a few times. I think I did. I remember going into the bathroom gagging as though my stomach was going to turn itself inside out....my eyes hurt as I retched so hard - they felt they'd explode....Everything in me was so forcefully attempting to express the pain and other feelings that raged inside of me!
I remember the guilt about what I was doing <"losing control of myself"> but seemed powerless unable to regain control over any thoughts or feelings! Eric was indescribably effected and desperate in his own state of confusion about the what, why and `what to do' about it all! He had no idea what had taken place when I called Shack and then fell apart! A part of me seemed to be watching all this without emotion... weird! I could feel both the hysterical me and the emotionless me... (the one who watches from a small distance - all my life). I have felt her (my?) presence in this odd way before... We talked to the hospital, more than once I think. I don't remember who all we called or what all we did, but I clearly remember the moment they took me behind the locked doors and I last saw my sons face! I will never forget that or the feeling of it either! I kept thinking... "He's going to think I'm crazy! I guess I AM CRAZY!" and stuff like that.
Imagine coming home from your first year away at college, only to have this unfold the next night!
Oh, and I remember being in the car, my car, which Eric drove me to the hospital in...and fearing to get out but knowing I couldn't go home either and knowing I had to have help, but wishing I had cut my wrists instead so I wouldn't be going through the pain and humiliation of being stark-raving-mad...which I apparently, undeniably was! The intensity of so many different thoughts and feelings was a maelstrom that would not subside!
There was still `that reality' which was so present but which I was unable to look directly at either. How could I endure it when just getting this close was doing all this to me? I felt the presence of the demon of infidelity, but I could not, or, would not face
Eric looked so helpless when they wouldn't let him do anything or come with me but just coldly told him to leave me to them and go home! I hated the terrible situation I'd created for us all with my weakness... But, the professionals could and should have taken some time to speak or deal with what he was going through too! What bedside manner for the family!!!! Reprehensible!
So. This is where I am. In the hospital. Locked in a psychiatric ward! I was drugged (a mercy) to stop my screaming/crying which would not abate...and put to bed. I was treated to the `precautionary disciplines' of removing the shoelaces from my moccasins and taking my hairpins and jewelry and anything I might find a way to use to harm myself.
I `enjoyed'-(not!), *sarcastic remarks here!*, the attention of not even being allowed a shut door as I urinated or did whatever in the bathroom....etc. and being `checked' every 10 to 15 minutes. So this is the world of having a "breakdown" !?
There is much to be said. It
wants to be let out of me. But my hands and even my heart,
are hurting too much to do more right now.....
Marriage of One
I was hospitalized 3 times, summer <1993> before I was able to heal & move on
"stage" below represents a
different hospitalization and is divided up
into 3 portions due to size of
Lee Baker Home
E-Mail Family & Friends Guestbook